“Angry words! O let them never,
From the tongue unbridled slip …”
Oh, right. Like that’s the choice that we make. We know better. We’ve noted, over the last several days, that anger is an emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met. Sometimes those expectations are realistic, sometimes not. Sometimes those expectations are godly, sometimes not so much. Yet when we don’t get what we expect, we become angry. And we speak angry words.
The problem is not so much the feeling though, as what we do with it. “Be angry, but do not sin …” (Eph 4:26). Isn’t that precisely our dilemma, though? Isn’t the tricky part feeling the anger, even if it is righteous, yet not sinning with it? Don’t we altogether too frequently fail to let the best impulses of our heart check our words before they soil our lips and mar our friendships?
Unfortunately, “angry words are lightly spoken,” because we are too willing to rashly stir bitter thoughts. Why is that? I think that it is, once again, because of unrealistic expectations. Somehow we think that doing or saying this angry thing is going to produce the result we want. But do we really believe that if we speak angry words delivering nearly unfiltered thoughts that any good thing is going to happen? Do we believe that our anger is going to cause the offending person to say, “Oh, my! I see that I have offended you. Let me please give you what you expected right away so that we can make this right …” So how’s that working for us?
People don’t react like that, do they? Because when we use angry words or actions, we upset their expectations. What are those expectations? Expectations for peace, for harmonious relationships, for respectful renegotiations of responsibilities, for emotionally safe solutions to problems. So when these expectations are not met, what happens to the other person? They feel angry. And so the vicious anger cycle wraps up with even more energy.
It isn’t important to identify who started the vicious anger cycle, but rather to find the person who will stop it. By that I don’t mean who will finish it by getting in the last word. The question is rather, who will be the peacemaker, who will be the child of God who feels the anger, yet is willing to step in with a word of peace and create the opportunity to negotiate met expectations for all parties? That is the person we need to be. That is the action that we need to take.
Stop.
Seize the moment between the stimulus and the response.
Acknowledge how we feel.
Determine what made us feel that way, especially if it seems too big or too bizarre for the circumstances.
Find our unmet need.
Think about the other persons feelings.
Creatively imagine what led them to those feelings.
Consider what unmet needs might have led them to this place.
Talk with that other person about how to mutually negotiate peace, a stronger relationship, and a possible fulfillment of our expectations.
Peace first. Stronger relationship second. Fulfilled needs last.
Remember:
“Love one another thus saith the Savior,
Children obey the Father’s blest command,
Love each other, love each other,
’Tis the Father’s blest command.”
That love is not to be in our words only, but in every action.
Grace and peace,
Ron
*Quotations are from “Angry Words,” by Horatio R. Palmer
