Shiann continues her devotional thoughts today:
“Rights are where survivors go so that they don’t have to work out relationships”
Here’s another one that really burned me the first time I read it. I expect it might be so for you. It is a strong temptation for me not to share my thoughts on this as I may then become accountable to the readers for living them. So let’s think about it together. First a question:
Did Jesus have the right to be mad at those who hurt Him?
Anger is a natural feeling. It is an understandable one. It is often one that is hard to resist. But, does anyone have the right to be angry? From the world’s perspective: Oh, yeah! From the view of one living wholly in the Kingdom: no.
I have said to another on more than one occasion that he/she had the right to be angry (or have any other feeling) because something happened that was awful. However, I was wrong about that. Anger is not necessarily wrong. Anger that is not wrong is not necessarily even righteous. And, it is not a right that you have. Anger, as well as other emotions, has the power to become a hiding place, a shield to keep one from dealing with the real issue.
God’s ultimate plan is for there to be healing and fullness. In that fullness is restored relationship. He does not require that we work out relationship every time we have been hurt.
Let’s look at what the Bible says about one of the most intimate of relationships. Here is a relatively lengthy reading from Matthew 19:30-8 in the Easy-to-Read version:
Some Pharisees came to Jesus. They tried to make him say something wrong. They asked him, ‘Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for any reason he chooses?’
Jesus answered, ‘Surely you have read this in the Scriptures: When God made the world, ‘he made people male and female.’ And God said, ‘That is why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And the two people will become one. God has joined them together, son no one should separate them.’
The Pharisees asked, ‘Then why did Moses give a command allowing a man to divorce his wife by writing a certificate of divorce?’
Jesus answered, ‘Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you refused to accept God’s teaching. But divorce was not allowed in the beginning.’
Divorce happens. Relationships fall apart and are sometimes willingly ripped apart. I am not stating any of this to be hurtful to people who this has affected. God’s intention from the very beginning was for restoration of relationships. A restored relationship, regardless of its format, shows the World the fullness of God’s plan. It was the reason we needed Jesus 2,000 years ago. It is the reason we need him now.
Blessings,
Shiann
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Too mad to see straight ...
The ark of the Lord remained in the house of Obed-edom the Gittite three months; and the Lord blessed Obed-edom and all his household.
It was told King David, "The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God." So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. When David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts, and distributed food among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, to each a cake of bread, a portion of meat, and a cake of raisins. Then all the people went back to their homes.
2 Samuel 6:11-19 – NRSV
How long does it take to get over being mad at God? I’m not sure that there is just one answer. I’ve known farmers who’ve been angry at the Creator for years because of the weather that drowned or dried up a crop. I’ve know people who’ve maintained a grudge against God for decades because of the way that God’s people acted toward them on one traumatic Sunday many, many years ago.
David gets over his temper in three months. In a lot of ways, he’s probably ahead of the learning curve for most human beings. What changes David’s mind? Apparently, it is that David sees that, for three long months, the Lord is blessing Obed-edom greatly for his hospitality to the ark. Despite the shock and horror of the tragedy with Uzzah, Obed-edom has made a place for this symbol of the presence of a very dangerous God. For this courageous display of respect, God showers blessings so large and plentiful upon Obed-edom that it comes to the attention of all of Israel.
David comes to understand that his anger with God has cut him off both from the presence of God and the blessing of God. Perhaps that is why God chooses to bless Obed-edom so richly; God wants David to see just exactly what his unquenched anger was costing him.
When David finally does open his eyes, he sees that God has continued to take care of his people. God holds the day of praise and blessing for David. When David can put away his anger and return humble, doing the right things with the right heart, then he could receive the blessing of that day. When David decides to get over his anger and rejoin the movement of God in this world, then he manages to demonstrate that God's people can't take half a dozen steps without God's blessing being present, and without the need for the praise of God's people to return as a blessing to their God.
Our anger with God hurts God; because he loves us profoundly he is capable of the most profound suffering as well. That anger, though, hurts us in more ways than we might understand. It is not just that we lose his presence and his blessing. Our anger can also deafen us from hearing what God would have us hear from his word and the world around us. It can blind us from seeing how God is moving in our lives and the world around us. If we give our anger free rein long enough, it can dull our senses so that we are no longer capable of experiencing God’s power or presence at all.
How can we recover our senses? Hear the word of the Lord:
I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant;
so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord,
and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good;
happy are those who take refuge in him.
Psalm 34:4-8 – NRSV
May God open our eyes to help us see that the One who is with us is greater than those who are against us.
Grace and peace,
Ron
It was told King David, "The Lord has blessed the household of Obed-edom and all that belongs to him, because of the ark of God." So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. When David had finished offering the burnt offerings and the offerings of well-being, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord of hosts, and distributed food among all the people, the whole multitude of Israel, both men and women, to each a cake of bread, a portion of meat, and a cake of raisins. Then all the people went back to their homes.
2 Samuel 6:11-19 – NRSV
How long does it take to get over being mad at God? I’m not sure that there is just one answer. I’ve known farmers who’ve been angry at the Creator for years because of the weather that drowned or dried up a crop. I’ve know people who’ve maintained a grudge against God for decades because of the way that God’s people acted toward them on one traumatic Sunday many, many years ago.
David gets over his temper in three months. In a lot of ways, he’s probably ahead of the learning curve for most human beings. What changes David’s mind? Apparently, it is that David sees that, for three long months, the Lord is blessing Obed-edom greatly for his hospitality to the ark. Despite the shock and horror of the tragedy with Uzzah, Obed-edom has made a place for this symbol of the presence of a very dangerous God. For this courageous display of respect, God showers blessings so large and plentiful upon Obed-edom that it comes to the attention of all of Israel.
David comes to understand that his anger with God has cut him off both from the presence of God and the blessing of God. Perhaps that is why God chooses to bless Obed-edom so richly; God wants David to see just exactly what his unquenched anger was costing him.
When David finally does open his eyes, he sees that God has continued to take care of his people. God holds the day of praise and blessing for David. When David can put away his anger and return humble, doing the right things with the right heart, then he could receive the blessing of that day. When David decides to get over his anger and rejoin the movement of God in this world, then he manages to demonstrate that God's people can't take half a dozen steps without God's blessing being present, and without the need for the praise of God's people to return as a blessing to their God.
Our anger with God hurts God; because he loves us profoundly he is capable of the most profound suffering as well. That anger, though, hurts us in more ways than we might understand. It is not just that we lose his presence and his blessing. Our anger can also deafen us from hearing what God would have us hear from his word and the world around us. It can blind us from seeing how God is moving in our lives and the world around us. If we give our anger free rein long enough, it can dull our senses so that we are no longer capable of experiencing God’s power or presence at all.
How can we recover our senses? Hear the word of the Lord:
I sought the Lord, and he answered me,
and delivered me from all my fears.
Look to him, and be radiant;
so your faces shall never be ashamed.
This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord,
and was saved from every trouble.
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
O taste and see that the Lord is good;
happy are those who take refuge in him.
Psalm 34:4-8 – NRSV
May God open our eyes to help us see that the One who is with us is greater than those who are against us.
Grace and peace,
Ron
Monday, May 4, 2009
An outburst upon Uzzah ...
David again gathered all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. David and all the people with him set out and went from Baale-judah, to bring up from there the ark of God, which is called by the name of the Lord of hosts who is enthroned on the cherubim. They carried the ark of God on a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab, which was on the hill. Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, were driving the new cart with the ark of God; and Ahio went in front of the ark. David and all the house of Israel were dancing before the Lord with all their might, with songs and lyres and harps and tambourines and castanets and cymbals.
When they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Uzzah reached out his hand to the ark of God and took hold of it, for the oxen shook it. The anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzzah; and God struck him there because he reached out his hand to the ark; and he died there beside the ark of God.
David was angry because the Lord had burst forth with an outburst upon Uzzah; so that place is called Perez-uzzah, to this day. David was afraid of the Lord that day; he said, "How can the ark of the Lord come into my care?" So David was unwilling to take the ark of the Lord into his care in the city of David; instead David took it to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.
2 Samuel 6:1-10 – NRSV
Years before David’s reign, before Saul became king, and even before Samuel assumed leadership of Israel, the ark of the Lord had been a mighty symbol for the people of God. After a devastating loss to the Philistines, the Israelites decided to take the ark with them into battle, assuming that, if they hauled the divine throne to the battlefield, God would ensure their victory to protect his throne and defend his name.
Their assumptions were incorrect. The ark was lost and began a unique little exodus of its own (1 Samuel 4-6). Taken to Philistine territory as an apparent captive of Dagon, Yahweh vindicates both his ark and his name by proving his power superior to Dagon or any other being. After God devastates the major cities of Philistia with plague, the Philistine kings chose to send the ark back to Israel on a brand new cart. The ark finds its way back to Israelite territory, and it is taken to the house of Abinadab for safe keeping.
After David captures the idols of the Philistines at Baal-perazim, he has the opportunity to think about this history. Just as the Israelites once hauled the ark into battle to tip the scales toward victory, so the Philistines brought and lost their idols as a result of the same logic. David believes in Yahweh, and has sought to honor him for the victories he has thus far experienced. What better way to honor God than to bring the symbol of God’s presence with his people to the center, to the capitol, of his people?
A new cart is built to carry the ark, just as the Philistines had done. Instead of two cows sent out on their own, though, this wagon is pulled by oxen, and carefully led by humans. Yet this time, instead of a successful trip, there is death. God breaks out against the Philistines at Baal-perazim, and God breaks out against Uzzah at Perez-Uzzah. Everyone is horrified and scared.
In his years of being with the ark in his father’s house, had Uzzah grown careless of respect toward the ark? Or was the problem the fact that the ark was moved on a cart instead of by the carefully prescribed and historically practiced method (Ex 25, 40; Num 3; Dt 10)? If the cart was the problem, then why wasn’t it a problem for the Philistines?
The Philistines didn’t have a way of knowing not to use a cart. God actually used the Philistine’s “cart test” to prove that he really was in control of their little universe. And, the Philistines didn’t have any Kohathites to carry the ark anyway.
David, though, should have known. As king, he had a responsibility to know the teachings of God. David either didn’t know his Torah here, or chose to ignore it.
The actions of God scare David, and then, as it so often does, anger follows fear. The anger of David rises. How could God have done this thing? Was death really necessary? Doesn’t God appreciate the honor that David chose to show him? The confident David, the King David who has had all of the answers so far now finds that he is uncertain of what to do and estranged from his God. He returns this dangerous ark of this dangerous God to storage. Obed-edom courageously extends hospitality to the ark within his home.
How do we handle God when God doesn’t appear to play by the rules, at least not the rules as we understand them? Perhaps the beginning of wisdom really is the fear of the Lord (Ps 111:10; Pr 9:10). He is not predictable; he has free will; he knows and understands that which we cannot. Neither can we “handle” God. God is beyond our manipulations, even if our well-intentioned designs are for his glory.
Perhaps gratitude, and not anger, should follow fear. Thankfulness that as many of us who have life, have it. Thankfulness that God has seen us through so many battles. Thankfulness that God has provided our every need and asked for so little in return.
Much of our grief comes when we focus on the tragedy that God appears to have let happen instead of the hundred that he has prevented. Many of our problems with God come when we focus on the prayer he doesn’t appear to hear instead of the thousand that he has answered.
May God forgive us when we are blind to his blessing.
May God forgive us when we tell God how he ought to be God.
May God forgive us when we think that we should be able to understand him or his actions.
May we praise God for who he is and what he has done.
May we praise God in spirit and truth.
Blessings,
Ron
When they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Uzzah reached out his hand to the ark of God and took hold of it, for the oxen shook it. The anger of the Lord was kindled against Uzzah; and God struck him there because he reached out his hand to the ark; and he died there beside the ark of God.
David was angry because the Lord had burst forth with an outburst upon Uzzah; so that place is called Perez-uzzah, to this day. David was afraid of the Lord that day; he said, "How can the ark of the Lord come into my care?" So David was unwilling to take the ark of the Lord into his care in the city of David; instead David took it to the house of Obed-edom the Gittite.
2 Samuel 6:1-10 – NRSV
Years before David’s reign, before Saul became king, and even before Samuel assumed leadership of Israel, the ark of the Lord had been a mighty symbol for the people of God. After a devastating loss to the Philistines, the Israelites decided to take the ark with them into battle, assuming that, if they hauled the divine throne to the battlefield, God would ensure their victory to protect his throne and defend his name.
Their assumptions were incorrect. The ark was lost and began a unique little exodus of its own (1 Samuel 4-6). Taken to Philistine territory as an apparent captive of Dagon, Yahweh vindicates both his ark and his name by proving his power superior to Dagon or any other being. After God devastates the major cities of Philistia with plague, the Philistine kings chose to send the ark back to Israel on a brand new cart. The ark finds its way back to Israelite territory, and it is taken to the house of Abinadab for safe keeping.
After David captures the idols of the Philistines at Baal-perazim, he has the opportunity to think about this history. Just as the Israelites once hauled the ark into battle to tip the scales toward victory, so the Philistines brought and lost their idols as a result of the same logic. David believes in Yahweh, and has sought to honor him for the victories he has thus far experienced. What better way to honor God than to bring the symbol of God’s presence with his people to the center, to the capitol, of his people?
A new cart is built to carry the ark, just as the Philistines had done. Instead of two cows sent out on their own, though, this wagon is pulled by oxen, and carefully led by humans. Yet this time, instead of a successful trip, there is death. God breaks out against the Philistines at Baal-perazim, and God breaks out against Uzzah at Perez-Uzzah. Everyone is horrified and scared.
In his years of being with the ark in his father’s house, had Uzzah grown careless of respect toward the ark? Or was the problem the fact that the ark was moved on a cart instead of by the carefully prescribed and historically practiced method (Ex 25, 40; Num 3; Dt 10)? If the cart was the problem, then why wasn’t it a problem for the Philistines?
The Philistines didn’t have a way of knowing not to use a cart. God actually used the Philistine’s “cart test” to prove that he really was in control of their little universe. And, the Philistines didn’t have any Kohathites to carry the ark anyway.
David, though, should have known. As king, he had a responsibility to know the teachings of God. David either didn’t know his Torah here, or chose to ignore it.
The actions of God scare David, and then, as it so often does, anger follows fear. The anger of David rises. How could God have done this thing? Was death really necessary? Doesn’t God appreciate the honor that David chose to show him? The confident David, the King David who has had all of the answers so far now finds that he is uncertain of what to do and estranged from his God. He returns this dangerous ark of this dangerous God to storage. Obed-edom courageously extends hospitality to the ark within his home.
How do we handle God when God doesn’t appear to play by the rules, at least not the rules as we understand them? Perhaps the beginning of wisdom really is the fear of the Lord (Ps 111:10; Pr 9:10). He is not predictable; he has free will; he knows and understands that which we cannot. Neither can we “handle” God. God is beyond our manipulations, even if our well-intentioned designs are for his glory.
Perhaps gratitude, and not anger, should follow fear. Thankfulness that as many of us who have life, have it. Thankfulness that God has seen us through so many battles. Thankfulness that God has provided our every need and asked for so little in return.
Much of our grief comes when we focus on the tragedy that God appears to have let happen instead of the hundred that he has prevented. Many of our problems with God come when we focus on the prayer he doesn’t appear to hear instead of the thousand that he has answered.
May God forgive us when we are blind to his blessing.
May God forgive us when we tell God how he ought to be God.
May God forgive us when we think that we should be able to understand him or his actions.
May we praise God for who he is and what he has done.
May we praise God in spirit and truth.
Blessings,
Ron
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wrong place, wrong time ...
Hear the word of God:
When David had returned from defeating the Amalekites, David remained two days in Ziklag. On the third day, a man came from Saul's camp, with his clothes torn and dirt on his head. When he came to David, he fell to the ground and did obeisance. David said to him, "Where have you come from?"
He said to him, "I have escaped from the camp of Israel."
David said to him, "How did things go? Tell me!"
"The army fled from the battle, many of the army fell and died; and Saul and his son Jonathan also died."
David asked, "How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan died?"
"I happened to be on Mount Gilboa; and there was Saul leaning on his spear … He said to me, 'Come, stand over me and kill me; for convulsions have seized me, and yet my life still lingers.' So I stood over him, and killed him, for I knew that he could not live after he had fallen. I took the crown that was on his head and the armlet that was on his arm, and I have brought them here to my lord."
Then David took hold of his clothes and tore them; and all the men who were with him did the same. They mourned and wept, and fasted until evening for Saul and for his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and for the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.
David said to the young man, "Where do you come from?"
He answered, "I am the son of a resident alien, an Amalekite."
David said to him, "Were you not afraid to lift your hand to destroy the LORD's anointed?" Then David called one of the young men and said, "Come here and strike him down."
2 Samuel 1:1-16 – NRSV
You have to wonder, what did this young Amalekite expect from David? Did he expect to be congratulated for living through such a brutal battle? Did he hope to be considered compassionate because he administered the coup de grace to a suffering king? Or did he believe that the surviving competitor for the crown of Israel would reward him for bearing the news and the crown?
Whatever he thought, he was wrong.
It’s not as if David killed the messenger for bringing bad news. David executed the Amalekite for doing the very thing that he had resisted doing for some time; killing King Saul so that he could claim the throne for himself. David was furious.
It’s not as if David had been having a great week. He’d been living in Philistine territory for a while now, hiding out from Saul. David was the right hand man of one of the Philistine kings, but most of the Philistines thought that he was a crazy man. He ought to know; he did his best to convince them of that.
So when the five Philistine kings set out to destroy Saul, David was in a hard place. Would he fight as a traitor against his people, or would his new masters discover his lack of loyalty and take his life? After they sort it all out, the kings go to fight Saul, and David gets sent back home to the women and children in Ziglag.
Only they’re not there. It seems that some Amalekites have come, stolen his property and livestock, and kidnapped his wives and children. Yeah, that’s right: Amalekites. Land pirates from way back in the time when Moses and the newly-freed Israelites wandered in the wilderness. (Some think that, over the years, they migrated to Somalia and learned how to sail ships …)
When his men discover what has happened, they want to do to David what Saul has been thinking about for years. But he manages to shut them up, band them together, and go fight a battle to reclaim what belongs to them. Only to have to put down another rebellion to make certain that all of the stuff was given back to its original owners, and not just the endurance athletes.
So he gets home to a burned-out city, gets a night’s sleep and then wakes up, only to find out that the king he who used to sing to sleep, and the friend who was closer than any brother, are dead. Yes, David is angry.
But is the anger really about Amalekites, or young men that claim to kill kings? (Read 1 Sam 31:1-6 and see if you think the Amalekite is a murder or a liar…) I don’t think that’s what all of the anger is about.
I believe that David is angry because David knew that David was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This won’t be the last time that this happens, but this is a particularly painful time for it to happen. David is on the wrong side with the wrong people fighting the wrong battle, and now he has terrible evidence of that reality. The only person David ever trusted besides his God is now dead. Jonathan is gone. Discovering that we’ve made a mistake may put us in a murderous mood, but anger can’t fix our problems. It can only signal to us that we have a problem.
Sometimes our anger rises, but not because someone else has been a fool. Sometimes our anger rises because we have been a fool, and we really don’t want to admit it. Or deal with it.
The next time we feel angry, what is that anger telling us? Are our expectations of someone else disappointed, or have we disappointed ourselves? Let’s keep our swords in their sheaths until we figure it out.
Grace, and peace,
Ron
When David had returned from defeating the Amalekites, David remained two days in Ziklag. On the third day, a man came from Saul's camp, with his clothes torn and dirt on his head. When he came to David, he fell to the ground and did obeisance. David said to him, "Where have you come from?"
He said to him, "I have escaped from the camp of Israel."
David said to him, "How did things go? Tell me!"
"The army fled from the battle, many of the army fell and died; and Saul and his son Jonathan also died."
David asked, "How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan died?"
"I happened to be on Mount Gilboa; and there was Saul leaning on his spear … He said to me, 'Come, stand over me and kill me; for convulsions have seized me, and yet my life still lingers.' So I stood over him, and killed him, for I knew that he could not live after he had fallen. I took the crown that was on his head and the armlet that was on his arm, and I have brought them here to my lord."
Then David took hold of his clothes and tore them; and all the men who were with him did the same. They mourned and wept, and fasted until evening for Saul and for his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and for the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.
David said to the young man, "Where do you come from?"
He answered, "I am the son of a resident alien, an Amalekite."
David said to him, "Were you not afraid to lift your hand to destroy the LORD's anointed?" Then David called one of the young men and said, "Come here and strike him down."
2 Samuel 1:1-16 – NRSV
You have to wonder, what did this young Amalekite expect from David? Did he expect to be congratulated for living through such a brutal battle? Did he hope to be considered compassionate because he administered the coup de grace to a suffering king? Or did he believe that the surviving competitor for the crown of Israel would reward him for bearing the news and the crown?
Whatever he thought, he was wrong.
It’s not as if David killed the messenger for bringing bad news. David executed the Amalekite for doing the very thing that he had resisted doing for some time; killing King Saul so that he could claim the throne for himself. David was furious.
It’s not as if David had been having a great week. He’d been living in Philistine territory for a while now, hiding out from Saul. David was the right hand man of one of the Philistine kings, but most of the Philistines thought that he was a crazy man. He ought to know; he did his best to convince them of that.
So when the five Philistine kings set out to destroy Saul, David was in a hard place. Would he fight as a traitor against his people, or would his new masters discover his lack of loyalty and take his life? After they sort it all out, the kings go to fight Saul, and David gets sent back home to the women and children in Ziglag.
Only they’re not there. It seems that some Amalekites have come, stolen his property and livestock, and kidnapped his wives and children. Yeah, that’s right: Amalekites. Land pirates from way back in the time when Moses and the newly-freed Israelites wandered in the wilderness. (Some think that, over the years, they migrated to Somalia and learned how to sail ships …)
When his men discover what has happened, they want to do to David what Saul has been thinking about for years. But he manages to shut them up, band them together, and go fight a battle to reclaim what belongs to them. Only to have to put down another rebellion to make certain that all of the stuff was given back to its original owners, and not just the endurance athletes.
So he gets home to a burned-out city, gets a night’s sleep and then wakes up, only to find out that the king he who used to sing to sleep, and the friend who was closer than any brother, are dead. Yes, David is angry.
But is the anger really about Amalekites, or young men that claim to kill kings? (Read 1 Sam 31:1-6 and see if you think the Amalekite is a murder or a liar…) I don’t think that’s what all of the anger is about.
I believe that David is angry because David knew that David was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This won’t be the last time that this happens, but this is a particularly painful time for it to happen. David is on the wrong side with the wrong people fighting the wrong battle, and now he has terrible evidence of that reality. The only person David ever trusted besides his God is now dead. Jonathan is gone. Discovering that we’ve made a mistake may put us in a murderous mood, but anger can’t fix our problems. It can only signal to us that we have a problem.
Sometimes our anger rises, but not because someone else has been a fool. Sometimes our anger rises because we have been a fool, and we really don’t want to admit it. Or deal with it.
The next time we feel angry, what is that anger telling us? Are our expectations of someone else disappointed, or have we disappointed ourselves? Let’s keep our swords in their sheaths until we figure it out.
Grace, and peace,
Ron
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Away from home ...
Today’s text is full of great lessons, but we will only focus on a few. The kingdom of God is divided, and it is the time of the prophets and the kings. The prophet of the day is Elisha:
Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Aram, was a great man and in high favor with his master, because by him the Lord had given victory to Aram. The man, though a mighty warrior, suffered from leprosy. Now the Arameans on one of their raids had taken a young girl captive from the land of Israel, and she served Naaman's wife. She said to her mistress, "If only my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy."
Naaman is a powerful and successful general. The God of Israel has given a series of great victories to him, even victories over God’s people. Yet Naaman remains unaware of the true source of his power. Whether he believes his power to come from his king, or from his god Rimmon is not clear. What is clear to Yahweh is that Naaman does not know him.
Remember that Naaman is not oppressed, he is the oppressor. Naaman is not weak, but powerful, both in battle and politics. Naaman is not the stranger, but the hero of his king and his people. Yet there comes into his life a problem that makes him an outsider. An issue that marginalizes him socially. Leprosy. This is a leprosy that the physicians, the priests, and even the king of Aram cannot heal.
So Naaman went in and told his lord just what the girl from the land of Israel had said. And the king of Aram said, "Go then, and I will send along a letter to the king of Israel." He went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten sets of garments. He brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, "When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you my servant Naaman, that you may cure him of his leprosy." When the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, "Am I God, to give death or life, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Just look and see how he is trying to pick a quarrel with me."
We need to see right through the notion that this is a hospitable exchange. The kings of Israel and Aram are not playing by the same rules. There is a real power differential here. On the surface, the request appears to be a reasonable request for hospitality; “We have heard of the healing power within your nation; heal my servant.” Yet there is a thinly veiled threat behind the written message which can be found in the person of the messenger. It reads something like this: “Heal this great and terrible warrior or it will amuse me to turn him loose on you and your people.” Believe me, the king of Israel gets the message. And he is desperate in his search for a way out of his dilemma.
But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent a message to the king, "Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come to me, that he may learn that there is a prophet in Israel." So Naaman came with his horses and chariots, and halted at the entrance of Elisha's house. Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, "Go, wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored and you shall be clean." But Naaman became angry and went away, saying, "I thought that for me he would surely come out, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and would wave his hand over the spot, and cure the leprosy! Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them, and be clean?" He turned and went away in a rage.
Elisha does the hospitable thing: he issues an invitation to Naaman. This invitation relieves the pressure from Israel’s king and promises healing for Naaman. Yet when the general arrives at his tent, the prophet does not follow the normal course of hospitality and invite him in. Since Naaman is a leper, he might have expected that. Yet Elisha does not even come out of his tent to greet Naaman; he sends a messenger. Naaman takes this apparent social faux pas as an insult.
Why does Elisha do this? Is he afraid of Naaman? This doesn’t seem likely in view of the fact that he issued the invitation, and in light of the way that Elisha deals with an entire army around his tent (2 Kings 6). Is Elisha an introvert? Perhaps; there are some indications that he is socially hypersensitive (2 Kings 2:23-25). What seems more likely is the idea that Elisha is setting boundaries here. Elisha is willing to meet with Naaman (it does happen later in this story). But first Elisha must get it out of Naaman’s head that Naaman is in control of this situation. Without seizing power himself, Elisha manages to disarm Naaman of his power so that he can encounter the power of God. Naaman is not the one in power here.
Yet Naaman comes with all sorts of expectations, doesn’t he? Naaman likes it back home, yet he leaves there to come to this strange place because he grudgingly admits that he is not finding healing back home. He has clearly imagined, though, what this healing experience is going to be like, and he is greatly disappointed. Samaria is not what he expected. His host is not what he expected. The rules are not what he expected. He is not being allowed to be in control and rule his life the way that he is used to ruling his life. The fact that his experience is not meeting his expectation inevitably brings on anger. Deep seated anger. Does this story sound familiar to a community that welcomes hurting and outcast young men who are separated from their homes?
How does the story go? Everything is better back home: the rivers; the king, who is like a father to him; you name it. Things are better back in Aram. Yet the reality remains in his face. Literally. Leprosy. However good things appear to be back home, he could not find healing there.
But his servants approached and said to him, "Father, if the prophet had commanded you to do something difficult, would you not have done it? How much more, when all he said to you was, 'Wash, and be clean'?" So he went down and immersed himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God; his flesh was restored like the flesh of a young boy, and he was clean.
Then he returned to the man of God, he and all his company; he came and stood before him and said, "Now I know that there is no God in all the earth except in Israel; please accept a present from your servant." But he said, "As the Lord lives, whom I serve, I will accept nothing!" He urged him to accept, but he refused. Then Naaman said, "If not, please let two mule-loads of earth be given to your servant; for your servant will no longer offer burnt offering or sacrifice to any god except the Lord. But may the Lord pardon your servant on one count: when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, leaning on my arm, and I bow down in the house of Rimmon, when I do bow down in the house of Rimmon, may the Lord pardon your servant on this one count." He said to him, "Go in peace."
The healing is not so much about the water as it is about obedience. The healing is not so much about physical location as it being in the right location with the God of Israel. Submissive.
Once Naaman is convicted of the power of God, he is converted into a believer in God. Once he steps into a right relationship with God, all of his other relationships start to fall into their proper places. He now respects the man of God enough to be able to stand in his presence and have a conversation free from power plays. Yet at the same time, he maintains a real respect for his master, the king of Aram, so as to be able to serve him faithfully without serving Aram’s false god and Yahweh’s rival, Rimmon. And because these relationships are right, Naaman, the great warrior, can leave in peace.
Is there is a lesson in this for those of us who work with people, both young and old? Yes. As long as people plow through life unaware of the power that makes their life possible, sharing time and space with them can be difficult. But as people come to understand who they are, and who God is, things change. Relationships change. The ability to have hospitable relationships change. So we can work on relationship skills between human beings, and so we ought. But the real breakthrough happens when a human being truly discovers their right relationship with God. This cannot be forced, but relies upon the faithful action of God in the face of the free will of his children. Not everyone is as quick of a student as is Naaman.
May God give us insight into the ways that we use power, boundaries, and hospitality in our relationships today.
Grace and peace,
Ron
Naaman, commander of the army of the king of Aram, was a great man and in high favor with his master, because by him the Lord had given victory to Aram. The man, though a mighty warrior, suffered from leprosy. Now the Arameans on one of their raids had taken a young girl captive from the land of Israel, and she served Naaman's wife. She said to her mistress, "If only my lord were with the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy."
Naaman is a powerful and successful general. The God of Israel has given a series of great victories to him, even victories over God’s people. Yet Naaman remains unaware of the true source of his power. Whether he believes his power to come from his king, or from his god Rimmon is not clear. What is clear to Yahweh is that Naaman does not know him.
Remember that Naaman is not oppressed, he is the oppressor. Naaman is not weak, but powerful, both in battle and politics. Naaman is not the stranger, but the hero of his king and his people. Yet there comes into his life a problem that makes him an outsider. An issue that marginalizes him socially. Leprosy. This is a leprosy that the physicians, the priests, and even the king of Aram cannot heal.
So Naaman went in and told his lord just what the girl from the land of Israel had said. And the king of Aram said, "Go then, and I will send along a letter to the king of Israel." He went, taking with him ten talents of silver, six thousand shekels of gold, and ten sets of garments. He brought the letter to the king of Israel, which read, "When this letter reaches you, know that I have sent to you my servant Naaman, that you may cure him of his leprosy." When the king of Israel read the letter, he tore his clothes and said, "Am I God, to give death or life, that this man sends word to me to cure a man of his leprosy? Just look and see how he is trying to pick a quarrel with me."
We need to see right through the notion that this is a hospitable exchange. The kings of Israel and Aram are not playing by the same rules. There is a real power differential here. On the surface, the request appears to be a reasonable request for hospitality; “We have heard of the healing power within your nation; heal my servant.” Yet there is a thinly veiled threat behind the written message which can be found in the person of the messenger. It reads something like this: “Heal this great and terrible warrior or it will amuse me to turn him loose on you and your people.” Believe me, the king of Israel gets the message. And he is desperate in his search for a way out of his dilemma.
But when Elisha the man of God heard that the king of Israel had torn his clothes, he sent a message to the king, "Why have you torn your clothes? Let him come to me, that he may learn that there is a prophet in Israel." So Naaman came with his horses and chariots, and halted at the entrance of Elisha's house. Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, "Go, wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored and you shall be clean." But Naaman became angry and went away, saying, "I thought that for me he would surely come out, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and would wave his hand over the spot, and cure the leprosy! Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them, and be clean?" He turned and went away in a rage.
Elisha does the hospitable thing: he issues an invitation to Naaman. This invitation relieves the pressure from Israel’s king and promises healing for Naaman. Yet when the general arrives at his tent, the prophet does not follow the normal course of hospitality and invite him in. Since Naaman is a leper, he might have expected that. Yet Elisha does not even come out of his tent to greet Naaman; he sends a messenger. Naaman takes this apparent social faux pas as an insult.
Why does Elisha do this? Is he afraid of Naaman? This doesn’t seem likely in view of the fact that he issued the invitation, and in light of the way that Elisha deals with an entire army around his tent (2 Kings 6). Is Elisha an introvert? Perhaps; there are some indications that he is socially hypersensitive (2 Kings 2:23-25). What seems more likely is the idea that Elisha is setting boundaries here. Elisha is willing to meet with Naaman (it does happen later in this story). But first Elisha must get it out of Naaman’s head that Naaman is in control of this situation. Without seizing power himself, Elisha manages to disarm Naaman of his power so that he can encounter the power of God. Naaman is not the one in power here.
Yet Naaman comes with all sorts of expectations, doesn’t he? Naaman likes it back home, yet he leaves there to come to this strange place because he grudgingly admits that he is not finding healing back home. He has clearly imagined, though, what this healing experience is going to be like, and he is greatly disappointed. Samaria is not what he expected. His host is not what he expected. The rules are not what he expected. He is not being allowed to be in control and rule his life the way that he is used to ruling his life. The fact that his experience is not meeting his expectation inevitably brings on anger. Deep seated anger. Does this story sound familiar to a community that welcomes hurting and outcast young men who are separated from their homes?
How does the story go? Everything is better back home: the rivers; the king, who is like a father to him; you name it. Things are better back in Aram. Yet the reality remains in his face. Literally. Leprosy. However good things appear to be back home, he could not find healing there.
But his servants approached and said to him, "Father, if the prophet had commanded you to do something difficult, would you not have done it? How much more, when all he said to you was, 'Wash, and be clean'?" So he went down and immersed himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God; his flesh was restored like the flesh of a young boy, and he was clean.
Then he returned to the man of God, he and all his company; he came and stood before him and said, "Now I know that there is no God in all the earth except in Israel; please accept a present from your servant." But he said, "As the Lord lives, whom I serve, I will accept nothing!" He urged him to accept, but he refused. Then Naaman said, "If not, please let two mule-loads of earth be given to your servant; for your servant will no longer offer burnt offering or sacrifice to any god except the Lord. But may the Lord pardon your servant on one count: when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, leaning on my arm, and I bow down in the house of Rimmon, when I do bow down in the house of Rimmon, may the Lord pardon your servant on this one count." He said to him, "Go in peace."
The healing is not so much about the water as it is about obedience. The healing is not so much about physical location as it being in the right location with the God of Israel. Submissive.
Once Naaman is convicted of the power of God, he is converted into a believer in God. Once he steps into a right relationship with God, all of his other relationships start to fall into their proper places. He now respects the man of God enough to be able to stand in his presence and have a conversation free from power plays. Yet at the same time, he maintains a real respect for his master, the king of Aram, so as to be able to serve him faithfully without serving Aram’s false god and Yahweh’s rival, Rimmon. And because these relationships are right, Naaman, the great warrior, can leave in peace.
Is there is a lesson in this for those of us who work with people, both young and old? Yes. As long as people plow through life unaware of the power that makes their life possible, sharing time and space with them can be difficult. But as people come to understand who they are, and who God is, things change. Relationships change. The ability to have hospitable relationships change. So we can work on relationship skills between human beings, and so we ought. But the real breakthrough happens when a human being truly discovers their right relationship with God. This cannot be forced, but relies upon the faithful action of God in the face of the free will of his children. Not everyone is as quick of a student as is Naaman.
May God give us insight into the ways that we use power, boundaries, and hospitality in our relationships today.
Grace and peace,
Ron
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Trust ... and enjoy security ...
This Saturday we will consider a passage of scripture, as is our usual habit. In the context of this week's devotionals, meditate on this portion of Psalm 37:
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
so you will live in the land, and enjoy security.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will make your vindication shine like the light,
and the justice of your cause like the noonday.
Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him;
do not fret over those who prosper in their way,
over those who carry out evil devices.
Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath.
Do not fret — it leads only to evil.
For the wicked shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.
Yet a little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look diligently for their place, they will not be there.
But the meek shall inherit the land,
and delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
Psalm 37:3-11 - NRSV
So what is the source of our security?
Trusting in the Lord.
Blessings,
Ron
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
What God is doing today ...
Today a psalm for our devotion.
Read the psalm slowly, no more than one section at a time.
Meditate on each part.
Does this psalm tell a story?
What are the words that stand out to you?
How are those words significant to you today?
How do these inspired words shape you as a child of God?
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and do not forget all his benefits —
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the Pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good as long as you live
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works vindication
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far he removes our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion for his children,
so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him.
For he knows how we were made;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for mortals, their days are like grass;
they flourish like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord
is from everlasting to everlasting
on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
obedient to his spoken word.
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers that do his will.
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.
Ps 103 – NRSV
May his word richly bless you,
Ron
Read the psalm slowly, no more than one section at a time.
Meditate on each part.
Does this psalm tell a story?
What are the words that stand out to you?
How are those words significant to you today?
How do these inspired words shape you as a child of God?
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and do not forget all his benefits —
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the Pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good as long as you live
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works vindication
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far he removes our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion for his children,
so the Lord has compassion for those who fear him.
For he knows how we were made;
he remembers that we are dust.
As for mortals, their days are like grass;
they flourish like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord
is from everlasting to everlasting
on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.
Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
obedient to his spoken word.
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers that do his will.
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.
Ps 103 – NRSV
May his word richly bless you,
Ron
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Frustrated purposes ...
Today, a prayer and four proverbs for our devotional. Because we minister in a world that is so very different than our ideal, we are particularly inclined to feel upset at the discord of living in two worlds. This can be both stress and anger producing, to say the least. Today’s prayer is offered for those who might struggle with anger, whether righteous or otherwise. One warning: don’t be too quick to deny that you struggle with anger; such denial can be dangerous.
O Lord, today we seek your help,
Your wisdom, your direction.
Your Spirit tells you of our moanings,
Of the mutterings of our troubled hearts;
And of the snarlings of our often angry,
Too-often angry spirits.
You know, All-knowing One, every place that
This world, as we have shaped it, falls short
Of our well-intended designs and expectations.
You know, Great Heart, every hurt,
Every bruise, and disappointment
Inflicted by a world too pointed, too hard,
Too random, too resistant, or too rowdy
For our simple, though well-intended, schemes,
Our hard-headed thinking,
And inadequate assumptions.
O how, Great Creator, how do you cope
With a world that has become
So very unlike the world you shaped,
The world that you envisioned?
How, Holy God, do you hold back
When the reality we create with our action
Is so out of time with your creation,
Is so out of tune with your holy word?
How, Righteous God, do you hold back
Your righteous wrath, when human unrighteousness
Invokes it by injustice, intolerance, and even inhumanity?
We do not hold back, you well know,
When we are crossed, our purposes frustrated.
Heaven help the spouse who has another point of view;
God protect the friend who has a second opinion;
Spirit save and soothe the child who exercises
Freedom of choice against our adamant will;
For we show no mercy, know no grace.
We presume to know your righteous wrath,
And we are swift to improve upon the speed of it.
We are quick to wield your terrible, swift sword;
We cry, “Peace, peace!” while we still swing it.
We cry, “Peace, peace!” yet we refuse to swallow peace:
A drink too bitter for those drunk on the sweet wine of revenge,
High on the potent amphetamines of anger.
No wonder we are not ourselves.
How great must your love be to see
The person that we might be,
The human that you intended for us to be
And still receive the person that we
Have limited ourselves to be.
Heal our emotions, O God;
Help them to be to us that
Which you intended for them to be.
May we neither deny anger’s power,
Nor yield control to that power.
So cultivate in us the virtues of love,
Peacefulness, patience, and understanding
That our anger shadows yours:
Slow to appear, quick to yield to love.
Shape our love to be like your love,
Empower our patience to mirror yours,
And teach us, Father, to be quick and sure
To set aside our wrath in preference for
Your forgiveness, your mercy, and your grace,
In hopes that we might receive from you
Those very great and saving gifts.
May we be more like Jesus,
As we pray in his name.
Amen.
Think on these proverbs through the course of your day:
Proverbs 14:29 - Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
but one who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Proverbs 15:18 - Those who are hot-tempered stir up strife,
but those who are slow to anger calm contention.
Proverbs 16:32 - One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city.
Proverbs 19:11 - Those with good sense are slow to anger,
and it is their glory to overlook an offense.
NRSV
Grace, and peace,
Ron
O Lord, today we seek your help,
Your wisdom, your direction.
Your Spirit tells you of our moanings,
Of the mutterings of our troubled hearts;
And of the snarlings of our often angry,
Too-often angry spirits.
You know, All-knowing One, every place that
This world, as we have shaped it, falls short
Of our well-intended designs and expectations.
You know, Great Heart, every hurt,
Every bruise, and disappointment
Inflicted by a world too pointed, too hard,
Too random, too resistant, or too rowdy
For our simple, though well-intended, schemes,
Our hard-headed thinking,
And inadequate assumptions.
O how, Great Creator, how do you cope
With a world that has become
So very unlike the world you shaped,
The world that you envisioned?
How, Holy God, do you hold back
When the reality we create with our action
Is so out of time with your creation,
Is so out of tune with your holy word?
How, Righteous God, do you hold back
Your righteous wrath, when human unrighteousness
Invokes it by injustice, intolerance, and even inhumanity?
We do not hold back, you well know,
When we are crossed, our purposes frustrated.
Heaven help the spouse who has another point of view;
God protect the friend who has a second opinion;
Spirit save and soothe the child who exercises
Freedom of choice against our adamant will;
For we show no mercy, know no grace.
We presume to know your righteous wrath,
And we are swift to improve upon the speed of it.
We are quick to wield your terrible, swift sword;
We cry, “Peace, peace!” while we still swing it.
We cry, “Peace, peace!” yet we refuse to swallow peace:
A drink too bitter for those drunk on the sweet wine of revenge,
High on the potent amphetamines of anger.
No wonder we are not ourselves.
How great must your love be to see
The person that we might be,
The human that you intended for us to be
And still receive the person that we
Have limited ourselves to be.
Heal our emotions, O God;
Help them to be to us that
Which you intended for them to be.
May we neither deny anger’s power,
Nor yield control to that power.
So cultivate in us the virtues of love,
Peacefulness, patience, and understanding
That our anger shadows yours:
Slow to appear, quick to yield to love.
Shape our love to be like your love,
Empower our patience to mirror yours,
And teach us, Father, to be quick and sure
To set aside our wrath in preference for
Your forgiveness, your mercy, and your grace,
In hopes that we might receive from you
Those very great and saving gifts.
May we be more like Jesus,
As we pray in his name.
Amen.
Think on these proverbs through the course of your day:
Proverbs 14:29 - Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
but one who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Proverbs 15:18 - Those who are hot-tempered stir up strife,
but those who are slow to anger calm contention.
Proverbs 16:32 - One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city.
Proverbs 19:11 - Those with good sense are slow to anger,
and it is their glory to overlook an offense.
NRSV
Grace, and peace,
Ron
Monday, November 17, 2008
Stopping in the gap ...
“Angry words! O let them never,
From the tongue unbridled slip …”
Oh, right. Like that’s the choice that we make. We know better. We’ve noted, over the last several days, that anger is an emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met. Sometimes those expectations are realistic, sometimes not. Sometimes those expectations are godly, sometimes not so much. Yet when we don’t get what we expect, we become angry. And we speak angry words.
The problem is not so much the feeling though, as what we do with it. “Be angry, but do not sin …” (Eph 4:26). Isn’t that precisely our dilemma, though? Isn’t the tricky part feeling the anger, even if it is righteous, yet not sinning with it? Don’t we altogether too frequently fail to let the best impulses of our heart check our words before they soil our lips and mar our friendships?
Unfortunately, “angry words are lightly spoken,” because we are too willing to rashly stir bitter thoughts. Why is that? I think that it is, once again, because of unrealistic expectations. Somehow we think that doing or saying this angry thing is going to produce the result we want. But do we really believe that if we speak angry words delivering nearly unfiltered thoughts that any good thing is going to happen? Do we believe that our anger is going to cause the offending person to say, “Oh, my! I see that I have offended you. Let me please give you what you expected right away so that we can make this right …” So how’s that working for us?
People don’t react like that, do they? Because when we use angry words or actions, we upset their expectations. What are those expectations? Expectations for peace, for harmonious relationships, for respectful renegotiations of responsibilities, for emotionally safe solutions to problems. So when these expectations are not met, what happens to the other person? They feel angry. And so the vicious anger cycle wraps up with even more energy.
It isn’t important to identify who started the vicious anger cycle, but rather to find the person who will stop it. By that I don’t mean who will finish it by getting in the last word. The question is rather, who will be the peacemaker, who will be the child of God who feels the anger, yet is willing to step in with a word of peace and create the opportunity to negotiate met expectations for all parties? That is the person we need to be. That is the action that we need to take.
Stop.
Seize the moment between the stimulus and the response.
Acknowledge how we feel.
Determine what made us feel that way, especially if it seems too big or too bizarre for the circumstances.
Find our unmet need.
Think about the other persons feelings.
Creatively imagine what led them to those feelings.
Consider what unmet needs might have led them to this place.
Talk with that other person about how to mutually negotiate peace, a stronger relationship, and a possible fulfillment of our expectations.
Peace first. Stronger relationship second. Fulfilled needs last.
Remember:
“Love one another thus saith the Savior,
Children obey the Father’s blest command,
Love each other, love each other,
’Tis the Father’s blest command.”
That love is not to be in our words only, but in every action.
Grace and peace,
Ron
*Quotations are from “Angry Words,” by Horatio R. Palmer
From the tongue unbridled slip …”
Oh, right. Like that’s the choice that we make. We know better. We’ve noted, over the last several days, that anger is an emotion that we experience when our expectations are not met. Sometimes those expectations are realistic, sometimes not. Sometimes those expectations are godly, sometimes not so much. Yet when we don’t get what we expect, we become angry. And we speak angry words.
The problem is not so much the feeling though, as what we do with it. “Be angry, but do not sin …” (Eph 4:26). Isn’t that precisely our dilemma, though? Isn’t the tricky part feeling the anger, even if it is righteous, yet not sinning with it? Don’t we altogether too frequently fail to let the best impulses of our heart check our words before they soil our lips and mar our friendships?
Unfortunately, “angry words are lightly spoken,” because we are too willing to rashly stir bitter thoughts. Why is that? I think that it is, once again, because of unrealistic expectations. Somehow we think that doing or saying this angry thing is going to produce the result we want. But do we really believe that if we speak angry words delivering nearly unfiltered thoughts that any good thing is going to happen? Do we believe that our anger is going to cause the offending person to say, “Oh, my! I see that I have offended you. Let me please give you what you expected right away so that we can make this right …” So how’s that working for us?
People don’t react like that, do they? Because when we use angry words or actions, we upset their expectations. What are those expectations? Expectations for peace, for harmonious relationships, for respectful renegotiations of responsibilities, for emotionally safe solutions to problems. So when these expectations are not met, what happens to the other person? They feel angry. And so the vicious anger cycle wraps up with even more energy.
It isn’t important to identify who started the vicious anger cycle, but rather to find the person who will stop it. By that I don’t mean who will finish it by getting in the last word. The question is rather, who will be the peacemaker, who will be the child of God who feels the anger, yet is willing to step in with a word of peace and create the opportunity to negotiate met expectations for all parties? That is the person we need to be. That is the action that we need to take.
Stop.
Seize the moment between the stimulus and the response.
Acknowledge how we feel.
Determine what made us feel that way, especially if it seems too big or too bizarre for the circumstances.
Find our unmet need.
Think about the other persons feelings.
Creatively imagine what led them to those feelings.
Consider what unmet needs might have led them to this place.
Talk with that other person about how to mutually negotiate peace, a stronger relationship, and a possible fulfillment of our expectations.
Peace first. Stronger relationship second. Fulfilled needs last.
Remember:
“Love one another thus saith the Savior,
Children obey the Father’s blest command,
Love each other, love each other,
’Tis the Father’s blest command.”
That love is not to be in our words only, but in every action.
Grace and peace,
Ron
*Quotations are from “Angry Words,” by Horatio R. Palmer
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Right to be angry?
Our Saturday devotional is a text from God’s Word:
The word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time, saying, "Get up, go to Nineveh, that great city, and proclaim to it the message that I tell you." So Jonah set out and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord. Now Nineveh was an exceedingly large city, a three days' walk across. Jonah began to go into the city, going a day's walk. And he cried out, "Forty days more, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" And the people of Nineveh believed God; they proclaimed a fast, and everyone, great and small, put on sackcloth.
When the news reached the king of Nineveh, he rose from his throne, removed his robe, covered himself with sackcloth, and sat in ashes. Then he had a proclamation made in Nineveh: "By the decree of the king and his nobles: No human being or animal, no herd or flock, shall taste anything. They shall not feed, nor shall they drink water. Human beings and animals shall be covered with sackcloth, and they shall cry mightily to God. All shall turn from their evil ways and from the violence that is in their hands. Who knows? God may relent and change his mind; he may turn from his fierce anger, so that we do not perish."
When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil ways, God changed his mind about the calamity that he had said he would bring upon them; and he did not do it.
But this was very displeasing to Jonah, and he became angry. He prayed to the Lord and said, "O Lord! Is not this what I said while I was still in my own country? That is why I fled to Tarshish at the beginning; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and ready to relent from punishing. And now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live." And the Lord said, "Is it right for you to be angry?" Then Jonah went out of the city and sat down east of the city, and made a booth for himself there. He sat under it in the shade, waiting to see what would become of the city.
Jonah 3:1-4:5 – NRSV
Blessings,
Ron
The word of the Lord came to Jonah a second time, saying, "Get up, go to Nineveh, that great city, and proclaim to it the message that I tell you." So Jonah set out and went to Nineveh, according to the word of the Lord. Now Nineveh was an exceedingly large city, a three days' walk across. Jonah began to go into the city, going a day's walk. And he cried out, "Forty days more, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" And the people of Nineveh believed God; they proclaimed a fast, and everyone, great and small, put on sackcloth.
When the news reached the king of Nineveh, he rose from his throne, removed his robe, covered himself with sackcloth, and sat in ashes. Then he had a proclamation made in Nineveh: "By the decree of the king and his nobles: No human being or animal, no herd or flock, shall taste anything. They shall not feed, nor shall they drink water. Human beings and animals shall be covered with sackcloth, and they shall cry mightily to God. All shall turn from their evil ways and from the violence that is in their hands. Who knows? God may relent and change his mind; he may turn from his fierce anger, so that we do not perish."
When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil ways, God changed his mind about the calamity that he had said he would bring upon them; and he did not do it.
But this was very displeasing to Jonah, and he became angry. He prayed to the Lord and said, "O Lord! Is not this what I said while I was still in my own country? That is why I fled to Tarshish at the beginning; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and ready to relent from punishing. And now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live." And the Lord said, "Is it right for you to be angry?" Then Jonah went out of the city and sat down east of the city, and made a booth for himself there. He sat under it in the shade, waiting to see what would become of the city.
Jonah 3:1-4:5 – NRSV
Blessings,
Ron
Friday, November 14, 2008
Righteous wrath in human flesh ...
Imagine, if you will, that you live in first century Judea. You are blessed with a teenage son, Nathan, who has just gone through his bar mitzvah, his coming of age as a Jewish “man.” For years you have described to him what the Temple was like, and what it would be like when he was old enough to take, for the first time, the sacrificial lamb into the temple courts for his family. You have carefully tutored him on what to say and to do, and he has been an eager learner. He has raised the lamb, the lamb that he picked, from birth. It is beautiful. It is perfect. It is well-chosen as a young man’s first gift to God.
With some considerable pride you set out for Jerusalem and the Passover feast. The city is unimaginably crowded with countless pilgrims and their sacrifices. Nathan waits in line for his opportunity to enter the Temple and offer his lamb. As you enter the temple courts, a priest asks you if you have your temple tax, so you prompt Nathan, who reaches into his bag and shows the coins. “No,” says the priest, “these coins can’t be taken into the temple – they have the image of Caesar stamped on them. They’re idolatrous!” Nathan looks at you for a clue as to what to do, but you’re both on unfamiliar ground here.
“So what are we supposed to do?” you ask.
The priest points over to a table on one side of the entrance and says, “You’ll have to take this Roman money over there and exchange it for temple coins.” You start to balk, but one of the temple guards glares at you and nods his head in the direction of the exchange tables. You are mad, but grudgingly, you make the trade, only to discover that the exchange rate means that you’ve already spent much of the money you’d saved for the trip. You grouse about it to the man exchanging the money, but he just shrugs his shoulders and turns to the next customer.
You pat Nathan on the back, and say, “it’s alright, Nathan, everything will be fine.” You both turn toward the Temple gate.
As you enter, a priest comes up to Nathan to examine his lamb. He shakes his head; “This lamb won’t do – you’ll need to get a replacement.”
“That lamb is perfect,” you growl back, as you see the hurt on Nathan’s face.
“I am the priest, and I make that determination. Think what you want, and say what you will, you will not sacrifice that animal at this temple.” He pauses, then makes an offer: “ That vendor over to the right will buy this grubby little beast, and sell you one that is suitable.”
Your blood is boiling, but your son is watching. You stomp over to the sheep seller, who spends more time assessing you than he does Nathan’s lamb. He makes a ridiculous offer for Nathan’s animal and quotes an astronomical price for the one he is willing, “out of the goodness of his heart,” to sell you. It is as if the man knows exactly how much money you have in your pocket. And the lamb he is selling? It is not half the animal that Nathan’s is.
While struggling with my temper and my decision, a quiet man with this intense face comes up, lifts Nathan’s lamb into his arms, says, “Beautiful animal,” and then asks us to stand over against the wall for a few moments. What happens next is best described in the words of a man who later became a friend of mine:
Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple he found people selling cattle, sheep, and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. Making a whip of cords, he drove all of them out of the temple, both the sheep and the cattle. He also poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. He told those who were selling the doves, "Take these things out of here! Stop making my Father's house a marketplace!" His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for your house will consume me." The Jews then said to him, "What sign can you show us for doing this?" Jesus answered them, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." The Jews then said, "This temple has been under construction for forty-six years, and will you raise it up in three days?" But he was speaking of the temple of his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this; and they believed the scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken.
John 2:13-22 – NRSV
What does the righteous anger of God look like? This story provides us with one sample. Let’s hear the words of David describing the holy wrath of God:
Then the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations of the heavens trembled
and quaked, because he was angry.
Smoke went up from his nostrils,
and devouring fire from his mouth;
glowing coals flamed forth from him.
He bowed the heavens, and came down;
thick darkness was under his feet.
He rode on a cherub, and flew;
he was seen upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness around him a canopy,
thick clouds, a gathering of water.
Out of the brightness before him
coals of fire flamed forth.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the Most High uttered his voice.
He sent out arrows, and scattered them —
lightning, and routed them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
the foundations of the world were laid bare
at the rebuke of the Lord,
at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.
He reached from on high, he took me,
he drew me out of mighty waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
from those who hated me;
for they were too mighty for me.
They came upon me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my stay.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he delivered me, because he delighted in me.
2 Samuel 22:8-20 – NRSV
When evil interferes with you, the child of God, know that it does not please God. When someone treats a child in an evil way, know that it invites the wrath of God. How righteous wrath is different from some kinds of human anger is something that we will discuss soon. Until then, spend the day knowing that you have a Father who is passionate in his love and care for you, and for all of his children.
Blessings,
Ron
P.S. – This devotional thought is developed from a sermon by a friend of mine, Sheldon DeVries.
With some considerable pride you set out for Jerusalem and the Passover feast. The city is unimaginably crowded with countless pilgrims and their sacrifices. Nathan waits in line for his opportunity to enter the Temple and offer his lamb. As you enter the temple courts, a priest asks you if you have your temple tax, so you prompt Nathan, who reaches into his bag and shows the coins. “No,” says the priest, “these coins can’t be taken into the temple – they have the image of Caesar stamped on them. They’re idolatrous!” Nathan looks at you for a clue as to what to do, but you’re both on unfamiliar ground here.
“So what are we supposed to do?” you ask.
The priest points over to a table on one side of the entrance and says, “You’ll have to take this Roman money over there and exchange it for temple coins.” You start to balk, but one of the temple guards glares at you and nods his head in the direction of the exchange tables. You are mad, but grudgingly, you make the trade, only to discover that the exchange rate means that you’ve already spent much of the money you’d saved for the trip. You grouse about it to the man exchanging the money, but he just shrugs his shoulders and turns to the next customer.
You pat Nathan on the back, and say, “it’s alright, Nathan, everything will be fine.” You both turn toward the Temple gate.
As you enter, a priest comes up to Nathan to examine his lamb. He shakes his head; “This lamb won’t do – you’ll need to get a replacement.”
“That lamb is perfect,” you growl back, as you see the hurt on Nathan’s face.
“I am the priest, and I make that determination. Think what you want, and say what you will, you will not sacrifice that animal at this temple.” He pauses, then makes an offer: “ That vendor over to the right will buy this grubby little beast, and sell you one that is suitable.”
Your blood is boiling, but your son is watching. You stomp over to the sheep seller, who spends more time assessing you than he does Nathan’s lamb. He makes a ridiculous offer for Nathan’s animal and quotes an astronomical price for the one he is willing, “out of the goodness of his heart,” to sell you. It is as if the man knows exactly how much money you have in your pocket. And the lamb he is selling? It is not half the animal that Nathan’s is.
While struggling with my temper and my decision, a quiet man with this intense face comes up, lifts Nathan’s lamb into his arms, says, “Beautiful animal,” and then asks us to stand over against the wall for a few moments. What happens next is best described in the words of a man who later became a friend of mine:
Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple he found people selling cattle, sheep, and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. Making a whip of cords, he drove all of them out of the temple, both the sheep and the cattle. He also poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. He told those who were selling the doves, "Take these things out of here! Stop making my Father's house a marketplace!" His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for your house will consume me." The Jews then said to him, "What sign can you show us for doing this?" Jesus answered them, "Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up." The Jews then said, "This temple has been under construction for forty-six years, and will you raise it up in three days?" But he was speaking of the temple of his body. After he was raised from the dead, his disciples remembered that he had said this; and they believed the scripture and the word that Jesus had spoken.
John 2:13-22 – NRSV
What does the righteous anger of God look like? This story provides us with one sample. Let’s hear the words of David describing the holy wrath of God:
Then the earth reeled and rocked;
the foundations of the heavens trembled
and quaked, because he was angry.
Smoke went up from his nostrils,
and devouring fire from his mouth;
glowing coals flamed forth from him.
He bowed the heavens, and came down;
thick darkness was under his feet.
He rode on a cherub, and flew;
he was seen upon the wings of the wind.
He made darkness around him a canopy,
thick clouds, a gathering of water.
Out of the brightness before him
coals of fire flamed forth.
The Lord thundered from heaven;
the Most High uttered his voice.
He sent out arrows, and scattered them —
lightning, and routed them.
Then the channels of the sea were seen,
the foundations of the world were laid bare
at the rebuke of the Lord,
at the blast of the breath of his nostrils.
He reached from on high, he took me,
he drew me out of mighty waters.
He delivered me from my strong enemy,
from those who hated me;
for they were too mighty for me.
They came upon me in the day of my calamity,
but the Lord was my stay.
He brought me out into a broad place;
he delivered me, because he delighted in me.
2 Samuel 22:8-20 – NRSV
When evil interferes with you, the child of God, know that it does not please God. When someone treats a child in an evil way, know that it invites the wrath of God. How righteous wrath is different from some kinds of human anger is something that we will discuss soon. Until then, spend the day knowing that you have a Father who is passionate in his love and care for you, and for all of his children.
Blessings,
Ron
P.S. – This devotional thought is developed from a sermon by a friend of mine, Sheldon DeVries.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Who do you want me to be?
Sometimes the most troubling sources of unmet expectations are relationships. You might remember, for example, the romance between Michal and David. They had issues from the first, and it always seemed difficult for either one to get the relationship to the place they wanted it to be. The scriptures say that Michal loved David (which only leaves us to wonder how David felt about Michal). Michal, at great risk to her own life, helps David escape her father, Saul. Then, because David is hiding out in the wilderness, Saul pawns Michal off on Paltiel, who genuinely loves her. Once David becomes king, he demands that Michal be returned to him. Which brings us to this difficult story:
So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. . . .
David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
2 Samuel 6:12-23 – NRSV
Michael “despised him in her heart” when David did not behave as she believed a king should behave. Paltiel worshiped her and only her; David tends to be non-committal to all of his wives, and devotes all of his worship to Yahweh, the God with whom her father had such a troubled relationship. “At least my father knew how to behave like a king,” she thinks. Then she speaks sentences that mercilessly drip sarcasm to David as he walks through the front door. “How the king of Israel honored himself today . . . ,” meaning exactly the opposite. And then she rebukes him for exposing his handsome physique to other women, as if he didn’t have enough. Obviously this stirs more than one jealous bone in Michal’s body.
Michal is furious because she doesn’t have the husband/wife relationship that she wants. She has expectations that David does not meet, nor does he appear to plan to meet them. So she: (1) finds fault with her mate’s behavior. (2) Uses deliberately punitive language, not in a real attempt to change the behavior, but in order to hurt. (3) Keeps inflaming the situation with her anger until she gets a similar response of anger from her partner.
Don’t think for a moment that I find David faultless here. But the question that a counselor might ask Michal is, “So, how’s that working for you?” If Michal were to be honest, she would have to admit that her way of dealing with this relationship wasn’t working. And this time, as she applies force to try to shift the situation back to something she considers to be normal, she uses too much force and breaks the relationship. Permanently.
I don’t think that Michal has stopped loving David. Michal has stopped trusting David. That is understandable on so many fronts. Instead of working on the trust issue, though, she mugs him on every other issue until he no longer trusts her either. Once both parties have lost trust, there is not much of a relationship left. Just anger. Anger over unmet expectations of what it ought to be like to have a loving spouse.
Does this connect with our lives anywhere? Perhaps this applies to your relationship with a spouse, but maybe it better describes a relationship with someone else. Are we angry with someone because they won’t shape their relationship with us according to our expectations? Why do we feel the need to control the relationship? Why don’t we trust them? We had better answer those questions and deal with the answers if we want to keep that relationship.
The problem of unmet expectations about relationships applies to our boys, too. Imagine how they feel when their mom or their dad just won’t be the kind of parent that they idealize. They want that relationship to be right, but when it doesn’t work, their anger begins to take over one part of their life after another. We can never be their “real” mom or dad, but we can be the kind of parental figure that is predictable, and loving, and safe. And eventually, that may allow them to let some of their anger go.
Every relationship is precious and unique, so work hard to preserve them.
Show grace, live in peace –
Ron
So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. . . .
David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
2 Samuel 6:12-23 – NRSV
Michael “despised him in her heart” when David did not behave as she believed a king should behave. Paltiel worshiped her and only her; David tends to be non-committal to all of his wives, and devotes all of his worship to Yahweh, the God with whom her father had such a troubled relationship. “At least my father knew how to behave like a king,” she thinks. Then she speaks sentences that mercilessly drip sarcasm to David as he walks through the front door. “How the king of Israel honored himself today . . . ,” meaning exactly the opposite. And then she rebukes him for exposing his handsome physique to other women, as if he didn’t have enough. Obviously this stirs more than one jealous bone in Michal’s body.
Michal is furious because she doesn’t have the husband/wife relationship that she wants. She has expectations that David does not meet, nor does he appear to plan to meet them. So she: (1) finds fault with her mate’s behavior. (2) Uses deliberately punitive language, not in a real attempt to change the behavior, but in order to hurt. (3) Keeps inflaming the situation with her anger until she gets a similar response of anger from her partner.
Don’t think for a moment that I find David faultless here. But the question that a counselor might ask Michal is, “So, how’s that working for you?” If Michal were to be honest, she would have to admit that her way of dealing with this relationship wasn’t working. And this time, as she applies force to try to shift the situation back to something she considers to be normal, she uses too much force and breaks the relationship. Permanently.
I don’t think that Michal has stopped loving David. Michal has stopped trusting David. That is understandable on so many fronts. Instead of working on the trust issue, though, she mugs him on every other issue until he no longer trusts her either. Once both parties have lost trust, there is not much of a relationship left. Just anger. Anger over unmet expectations of what it ought to be like to have a loving spouse.
Does this connect with our lives anywhere? Perhaps this applies to your relationship with a spouse, but maybe it better describes a relationship with someone else. Are we angry with someone because they won’t shape their relationship with us according to our expectations? Why do we feel the need to control the relationship? Why don’t we trust them? We had better answer those questions and deal with the answers if we want to keep that relationship.
The problem of unmet expectations about relationships applies to our boys, too. Imagine how they feel when their mom or their dad just won’t be the kind of parent that they idealize. They want that relationship to be right, but when it doesn’t work, their anger begins to take over one part of their life after another. We can never be their “real” mom or dad, but we can be the kind of parental figure that is predictable, and loving, and safe. And eventually, that may allow them to let some of their anger go.
Every relationship is precious and unique, so work hard to preserve them.
Show grace, live in peace –
Ron
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Expecting safety, experiencing fear, feeling angry
“Be afraid. Be very afraid.” People who are parents, and people who serve in the place of parents, are going to experience fear.
This is because their children will do things, or their children will experience things, that will scare them silly. Consider the example of Mary:
Now every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival. When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that he was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.
When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him, "Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety." He said to them, "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?” But they did not understand what he said to them. Then he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them. His mother treasured all these things in her heart.
And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.
Luke 2:41-52 - NRSV
It is not difficult to imagine the fear of Mary and Joseph. Think about needing to say this prayer: “O Lord, it appears that we have lost your only begotten son. Help!” It wouldn’t help to know that God would already be perfectly aware of your dilemma. Of your parental shortcomings. The sinking feeling that a parent has in their gut when they know something is wrong for one of their children can be an overwhelming kind of fear.
A troubled pregnancy. An uncontrolled fever. Crying that won’t stop. The unexpected visit to the emergency room. Missing in the mall. The unimaginable fall. An encounter with truly evil people. A car accident. A poor choice for a romantic relationship. For any parent that is awake, these can be fearful situations.
But look what happens when the fear is past. Anger. Anger taken to the very limit of words. Even from the saintly Mary. Can’t you hear it in her voice? “Child, why have you treated us like this?”
The reality is that anger frequently follows fear. Why is this? As humans we have an expectation of safety even though we are intelligent enough to know that the world is not exactly a safe place. To be able to function at all, those of us who maintain some level of sanity learn how to deal with that lack of safety. Sometimes we establish complex systems designed to guarantee that safety. We choose houses in certain locations, either for their remoteness or the level of police protection. We install locks. We exercise vigilance. We practice denial. Which is all fine until you take those precious babies outside your little castle and have them interact with other human beings.
Every measure of safety can be defeated. Which means that safety is too frequently is either relative or an illusion. Yet there is one exception to the safety problem. God. Hear the words of David:
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior; you save me from violence.
I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.
2 Samuel 22:2-4 – NRSV
(If you really want to feel safe in the protection of God, read the rest of that chapter.) Do you think perhaps that even the courageous David experienced fear and anger? I think that it is a near certainty. Yet the source of safety for this great person was God. Only God.
So how will we avoid anger after we experience fear? I don’t think that we can or ought to try to stop the feelings, but I do think that we need to be careful what we do with them. I don’t think that we can avoid the anger, but we have listen to what it is telling us. Our expectation of safety has been disappointed. How can we regain safety? There may be things that we can do. But if it is possible at all, it will be with our God, our Rock. We must trust him, and believe, even when it is not readily apparent, that he is in control (and ought to be).
One other thing. If dealing with fear and anger are so difficult for us as adults, who have some level of maturity (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual), can we imagine what this fear and anger might be like for a child? Can we contemplate the overwhelming feelings that an abused or neglected child feels when they have been living in the survival mode, the mode of fear, for years? Can we imagine the anger on the other side of their fear? Perhaps thinking about this will move us to construct a little corner of God’s kingdom in our homes so that the children in our care can experience safety. Perhaps for the first time in recent history. Yet they may have to experience safety for a while before they can make safe, and not angry, choices for themselves.
Lean upon the Rock. Hide behind him on the really tough days. He wants you to rely on him.
Blessings,
Ron
This is because their children will do things, or their children will experience things, that will scare them silly. Consider the example of Mary:
Now every year his parents went to Jerusalem for the festival of the Passover. And when he was twelve years old, they went up as usual for the festival. When the festival was ended and they started to return, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but his parents did not know it. Assuming that he was in the group of travelers, they went a day's journey. Then they started to look for him among their relatives and friends.
When they did not find him, they returned to Jerusalem to search for him. After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him they were astonished; and his mother said to him, "Child, why have you treated us like this? Look, your father and I have been searching for you in great anxiety." He said to them, "Why were you searching for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?” But they did not understand what he said to them. Then he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them. His mother treasured all these things in her heart.
And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.
Luke 2:41-52 - NRSV
It is not difficult to imagine the fear of Mary and Joseph. Think about needing to say this prayer: “O Lord, it appears that we have lost your only begotten son. Help!” It wouldn’t help to know that God would already be perfectly aware of your dilemma. Of your parental shortcomings. The sinking feeling that a parent has in their gut when they know something is wrong for one of their children can be an overwhelming kind of fear.
A troubled pregnancy. An uncontrolled fever. Crying that won’t stop. The unexpected visit to the emergency room. Missing in the mall. The unimaginable fall. An encounter with truly evil people. A car accident. A poor choice for a romantic relationship. For any parent that is awake, these can be fearful situations.
But look what happens when the fear is past. Anger. Anger taken to the very limit of words. Even from the saintly Mary. Can’t you hear it in her voice? “Child, why have you treated us like this?”
The reality is that anger frequently follows fear. Why is this? As humans we have an expectation of safety even though we are intelligent enough to know that the world is not exactly a safe place. To be able to function at all, those of us who maintain some level of sanity learn how to deal with that lack of safety. Sometimes we establish complex systems designed to guarantee that safety. We choose houses in certain locations, either for their remoteness or the level of police protection. We install locks. We exercise vigilance. We practice denial. Which is all fine until you take those precious babies outside your little castle and have them interact with other human beings.
Every measure of safety can be defeated. Which means that safety is too frequently is either relative or an illusion. Yet there is one exception to the safety problem. God. Hear the words of David:
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior; you save me from violence.
I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.
2 Samuel 22:2-4 – NRSV
(If you really want to feel safe in the protection of God, read the rest of that chapter.) Do you think perhaps that even the courageous David experienced fear and anger? I think that it is a near certainty. Yet the source of safety for this great person was God. Only God.
So how will we avoid anger after we experience fear? I don’t think that we can or ought to try to stop the feelings, but I do think that we need to be careful what we do with them. I don’t think that we can avoid the anger, but we have listen to what it is telling us. Our expectation of safety has been disappointed. How can we regain safety? There may be things that we can do. But if it is possible at all, it will be with our God, our Rock. We must trust him, and believe, even when it is not readily apparent, that he is in control (and ought to be).
One other thing. If dealing with fear and anger are so difficult for us as adults, who have some level of maturity (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual), can we imagine what this fear and anger might be like for a child? Can we contemplate the overwhelming feelings that an abused or neglected child feels when they have been living in the survival mode, the mode of fear, for years? Can we imagine the anger on the other side of their fear? Perhaps thinking about this will move us to construct a little corner of God’s kingdom in our homes so that the children in our care can experience safety. Perhaps for the first time in recent history. Yet they may have to experience safety for a while before they can make safe, and not angry, choices for themselves.
Lean upon the Rock. Hide behind him on the really tough days. He wants you to rely on him.
Blessings,
Ron
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
An expectation of joy ...
In the beginning …
If ever there was a time that could be called perfect, this was it. Again and again, God speaks things into existence. When the Creator sees his work, he sees that it is good, and it really is. Into this flawless world, this perfect cosmos, God inserts two perfectly healthy, hand-matched, hand-made human beings. Adam is overwhelmed. When the Namer first sees his mate, he is quick to name her and claim her; he is content that he finally has the perfect helpmeet. Together, walking, and talking, and working with God are just as natural and pleasurable as any life could possibly be.
Unfortunately, most humans experience satisfaction as a fleeting feeling, a passing moment. The experience of Adam and Eve is no different. The Adversary picks on the one who did not personally hear the instruction to avoid the tree of good and evil to find a gap to jab in his wedge of doubt. But the one who heard the instruction stands right there, without a word of protest, as doubt is cast upon the trustworthiness of God. The adversary inserts distrust into human minds: “Perhaps the Creator did not tell us the truth about the tree.” The adversary inserts a desire into human hearts – a desire for mastery and control: “Perhaps if we possess the knowledge of good and evil then we can control our garden, our world, just as God controls it now.”
And so, for the very first time, man and woman experienced something negative together; they expected something other than that which God was giving them. Neither human was flawed, because they were both perfectly made by the Creator of all creation. Yet because of their free wills, they both failed and fell. They both were separated from the tree of life, and consequently, they both started dying the day they chose unsafely. What God said would happen began to happen.
Now people have read into this scripture a dozen things that it does not say. They make it out that somehow either man or woman, or both, become something less than what they were created to be. The scripture does not say this. God describes things that would happen to them outside of the garden, and he describes things that they would do to each other, but he did not prescribe that humans would become less than human. He merely mourns the fact that from here on out, because of their freedom of choice (one of the ways they live in the image of God), and because of their separation from a daily walk with God, every human being will choose to exercise their freedom of choice to rebel against God and his will. Every human will choose to behave less than humanly. Every one, that is, except the promised one.
How about us? How much discontent, how much suffering, how much evil comes from our unrealistic expectations, from our unwillingness to choose to be content? How much grief and anger do we create for ourselves because we will not trust God to keep his promises? How much grief and anger do we cause for others because we seek to snatch control of the universe out of the hands of God because we think we can do better or work faster? Haven’t we learned the cost of our discontent yet? Paul counsels us to wisdom: “For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13 – NRSV).
Most of us have experienced plenty and want. All of us know what it is to be stuffed and to be hollow. Yet, if we are honest, we can say that God has proven to be faithful to us from one extreme to the other. If he is still with us, and he promised that he would be, can we not stop obsessing over controlling every little event in our lives, or those events of our children’s lives, and let God prove his providence? Can we not make it our expectation that God will provide just what we need, just at the right time?
In that expectation, there is joy. There is contentment. There is glory. Not in our conquering the world, but in watching our God work alongside our meager efforts so that he can fill our lives to overflowing with so many good things.
Consequently, dwell today in the words of this psalm:
Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,
in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.
He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds;
the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him;
he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are established forever and ever,
to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people;
he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is his name.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever.
Psalm 111 – NRSV
May his name be praised!
Ron
If ever there was a time that could be called perfect, this was it. Again and again, God speaks things into existence. When the Creator sees his work, he sees that it is good, and it really is. Into this flawless world, this perfect cosmos, God inserts two perfectly healthy, hand-matched, hand-made human beings. Adam is overwhelmed. When the Namer first sees his mate, he is quick to name her and claim her; he is content that he finally has the perfect helpmeet. Together, walking, and talking, and working with God are just as natural and pleasurable as any life could possibly be.
Unfortunately, most humans experience satisfaction as a fleeting feeling, a passing moment. The experience of Adam and Eve is no different. The Adversary picks on the one who did not personally hear the instruction to avoid the tree of good and evil to find a gap to jab in his wedge of doubt. But the one who heard the instruction stands right there, without a word of protest, as doubt is cast upon the trustworthiness of God. The adversary inserts distrust into human minds: “Perhaps the Creator did not tell us the truth about the tree.” The adversary inserts a desire into human hearts – a desire for mastery and control: “Perhaps if we possess the knowledge of good and evil then we can control our garden, our world, just as God controls it now.”
And so, for the very first time, man and woman experienced something negative together; they expected something other than that which God was giving them. Neither human was flawed, because they were both perfectly made by the Creator of all creation. Yet because of their free wills, they both failed and fell. They both were separated from the tree of life, and consequently, they both started dying the day they chose unsafely. What God said would happen began to happen.
Now people have read into this scripture a dozen things that it does not say. They make it out that somehow either man or woman, or both, become something less than what they were created to be. The scripture does not say this. God describes things that would happen to them outside of the garden, and he describes things that they would do to each other, but he did not prescribe that humans would become less than human. He merely mourns the fact that from here on out, because of their freedom of choice (one of the ways they live in the image of God), and because of their separation from a daily walk with God, every human being will choose to exercise their freedom of choice to rebel against God and his will. Every human will choose to behave less than humanly. Every one, that is, except the promised one.
How about us? How much discontent, how much suffering, how much evil comes from our unrealistic expectations, from our unwillingness to choose to be content? How much grief and anger do we create for ourselves because we will not trust God to keep his promises? How much grief and anger do we cause for others because we seek to snatch control of the universe out of the hands of God because we think we can do better or work faster? Haven’t we learned the cost of our discontent yet? Paul counsels us to wisdom: “For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13 – NRSV).
Most of us have experienced plenty and want. All of us know what it is to be stuffed and to be hollow. Yet, if we are honest, we can say that God has proven to be faithful to us from one extreme to the other. If he is still with us, and he promised that he would be, can we not stop obsessing over controlling every little event in our lives, or those events of our children’s lives, and let God prove his providence? Can we not make it our expectation that God will provide just what we need, just at the right time?
In that expectation, there is joy. There is contentment. There is glory. Not in our conquering the world, but in watching our God work alongside our meager efforts so that he can fill our lives to overflowing with so many good things.
Consequently, dwell today in the words of this psalm:
Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,
in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.
He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds;
the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him;
he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are established forever and ever,
to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people;
he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is his name.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever.
Psalm 111 – NRSV
May his name be praised!
Ron
Monday, November 10, 2008
The fruit of unmet expectations ...
Have you ever had a day when things didn’t go like you wanted? A day where, no matter what you did, you couldn’t seem to get rid of the anger? Consider Cain’s anger problem …
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. The Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it."
Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let us go out to the field." And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him. Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" He said, "I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?" And the Lord said, "What have you done? Listen; your brother's blood is crying out to me from the ground! And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. When you till the ground, it will no longer yield to you its strength; you will be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth." Cain said to the Lord, "My punishment is greater than I can bear! Today you have driven me away from the soil, and I shall be hidden from your face; I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth, and anyone who meets me may kill me." Then the Lord said to him, "Not so! Whoever kills Cain will suffer a sevenfold vengeance." And the Lord put a mark on Cain, so that no one who came upon him would kill him. Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord, and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Genesis 4:3-16 – NRSV
Cain is mad at Abel. Cain is mad at God. Where did this anger come from? Why could Cain not quench this burning well of anger? What kept feeding it? Those are the questions that we will consider in greater detail this week: where anger comes from; how it affects the individual; how it deforms or reforms a community.
But for the moment, let’s just say that anger is the fruit of unmet expectations. Regardless of whether Cain offered the correct sacrifice, or whether he offered it with the right heart, he expected God to accept the sacrifice. Was that a realistic expectation? Did Cain allow God to have the freedom of choice to accept the sacrifice or not? When Cain's expectations for acceptance were not met, someone had to bear the blame. Enter Abel. Abel looks like the right person to blame; he's someone upon whom Cain can vent his anger, because, after all, God accepted Abel’s offering. God warns Cain about his anger, and points out its source to him, but Cain ignores the wisdom of the Lord. Exit Abel. Permanently.
While maintaining a merciful hand, God gives Cain the natural consequences of his violent act. Cain gets angry with God over that. Cain refuses the responsibility for his own circumstances and his own actions. His expectations don’t connect with reality. Instead of working through these differences, Cain stokes the emotional fires of anger and hate. It can’t be his fault, after all.
What are the unmet expectations with which you struggle today? What parts of your life are not like you want them? How do you deal with disappointments? Even if these desires are for things that are good or just, are you shaping your emotional response, or are your emotions controlling you? Do these frustrated expectations show up as hyper-sensitivity, as crankiness, as anger?
Today, let's consider the sources of frustration in our lives. What kinds of responses do we make to those frustrations? Can we think of ways that we might break the cycle? Let’s work together this week to find spiritual responses to these trying dilemmas.
Blessings,
Ron
In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of his flock, their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. The Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it."
Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let us go out to the field." And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him. Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" He said, "I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?" And the Lord said, "What have you done? Listen; your brother's blood is crying out to me from the ground! And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. When you till the ground, it will no longer yield to you its strength; you will be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth." Cain said to the Lord, "My punishment is greater than I can bear! Today you have driven me away from the soil, and I shall be hidden from your face; I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth, and anyone who meets me may kill me." Then the Lord said to him, "Not so! Whoever kills Cain will suffer a sevenfold vengeance." And the Lord put a mark on Cain, so that no one who came upon him would kill him. Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord, and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Genesis 4:3-16 – NRSV
Cain is mad at Abel. Cain is mad at God. Where did this anger come from? Why could Cain not quench this burning well of anger? What kept feeding it? Those are the questions that we will consider in greater detail this week: where anger comes from; how it affects the individual; how it deforms or reforms a community.
But for the moment, let’s just say that anger is the fruit of unmet expectations. Regardless of whether Cain offered the correct sacrifice, or whether he offered it with the right heart, he expected God to accept the sacrifice. Was that a realistic expectation? Did Cain allow God to have the freedom of choice to accept the sacrifice or not? When Cain's expectations for acceptance were not met, someone had to bear the blame. Enter Abel. Abel looks like the right person to blame; he's someone upon whom Cain can vent his anger, because, after all, God accepted Abel’s offering. God warns Cain about his anger, and points out its source to him, but Cain ignores the wisdom of the Lord. Exit Abel. Permanently.
While maintaining a merciful hand, God gives Cain the natural consequences of his violent act. Cain gets angry with God over that. Cain refuses the responsibility for his own circumstances and his own actions. His expectations don’t connect with reality. Instead of working through these differences, Cain stokes the emotional fires of anger and hate. It can’t be his fault, after all.
What are the unmet expectations with which you struggle today? What parts of your life are not like you want them? How do you deal with disappointments? Even if these desires are for things that are good or just, are you shaping your emotional response, or are your emotions controlling you? Do these frustrated expectations show up as hyper-sensitivity, as crankiness, as anger?
Today, let's consider the sources of frustration in our lives. What kinds of responses do we make to those frustrations? Can we think of ways that we might break the cycle? Let’s work together this week to find spiritual responses to these trying dilemmas.
Blessings,
Ron
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