Another prayer from Leaving Ruin:
Dear God,
I know death is without victory, but it is winning tonight, pressing down on me, like a slab, the execution of old where rocks pile on until the witch is crushed. We all die, and it terrifies me, but more, my life without Joy, without Alex, and Mrs. Eric, and without Ruin or without Sara, or one of the boys, terrifies me, and who will it be tomorrow? Death stalks me like a predator, cutting down my life, memory by memory, chance by chance, and thou I may live forever, right now I am dead inside, all feeble, and wish to simply lie in the road and fade into nothing as cars roar by. If I open my chest to you, O Lord, and to life, it is too much, too much, and I will die too much to ever return.
Job said though you slay me, yet will I trust you, and I’m working on that, but it’s hard. All death is foul murder, and slays, and I am slain as well, and I’m not Job. I’m just a guy who can’t grasp the meaning of so many loves, so many deaths, so many cruel good-byes, and so much hateful life.
Forgive me, God, as I lie here, sinning, perhaps, in my distrust, or is it anger? Lonely, self-pitiful, and like a two-year old, mad that Daddy can’t fix it.
I wish I could praise you tonight, and sleep well, nestled in a deep faith, but I can’t. Maybe trust will come again with the morning.
Jesus,
Amen
This was the final prayer in the book, though there are over 100 pages remaining in the story itself. He waited and waited for a word from God but felt he never did until, as he slid deeper into despair he reads the following in his father’s faded Bible:
It had swept over me unannounced. The words had broken my heart, and all the walls besides. There, in my dad’s humped scribble: “If I ask God to give me the things I need; then I must assume that I have the fulfillment of my prayer in whatsoever cup he gives me to drink.” For better or worse, I took it to mean my God had spoken.
I am acutely aware that not all stories end in a comfortable happily-ever-after moment. May you find God’s presence and/or voice today. Until you hear/see/feel Him, hang on…
Blessings,
Shiann
