A prayer from Leaving Ruin:
Dear God,
Meekness is beyond me today, and I cannot pretend. Pain on every inch of skin makes me swell and pitch, like the ocean, and I curse the gods inside that want to take me from you, who want to take up residence in your hall, in your place. God, my neck hurts, and my back, and my mind, and my foot, and I am so mad—just so mad. Forgive my rage, and my curses. My mouth can’t be tamed today, unless you do it, so please move your hand this way, and thank you for dogs and good friends, and new faces, pregnant with hope, and protect their innocence, Lord, their naïve belief that all will be well when it seems like it won’t all be well at all. Speak in me, through me, and kill the rebel, kill the demon inside, so that I may one day find what it means to stand before you, meek, and loved.
In Jesus,
Amen
In my imperfection and desire to fix that, I wonder what it would be like to stand before God without any barriers. I have never even been able to imagine that fully. I even imagine that there would be the feeling of guilt in Heaven sometimes. I cannot cast off my humanness even in thinking of that. Reading this book and The Shack have helped, but I continue to have barriers. I continue to feel the need to enter the throne room with my stuff as a wall.
One of the most meek people I have known is one that I would call tough-as-nails on the inside. She loves people as if she has never experienced a hurt. Yet her childhood was very challenging and she has experienced several hardships as an adult. Rather than close herself off, she has used her experience to help others. Such an example she is to many young adults!
I pray you hang on to love, to the love of dogs and good friends. May you have the courage to allow naïve belief and innocence into your relationship with God and His kids.
Shiann
