Sometimes the most troubling sources of unmet expectations are relationships. You might remember, for example, the romance between Michal and David. They had issues from the first, and it always seemed difficult for either one to get the relationship to the place they wanted it to be. The scriptures say that Michal loved David (which only leaves us to wonder how David felt about Michal). Michal, at great risk to her own life, helps David escape her father, Saul. Then, because David is hiding out in the wilderness, Saul pawns Michal off on Paltiel, who genuinely loves her. Once David becomes king, he demands that Michal be returned to him. Which brings us to this difficult story:
So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. . . .
David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
2 Samuel 6:12-23 – NRSV
Michael “despised him in her heart” when David did not behave as she believed a king should behave. Paltiel worshiped her and only her; David tends to be non-committal to all of his wives, and devotes all of his worship to Yahweh, the God with whom her father had such a troubled relationship. “At least my father knew how to behave like a king,” she thinks. Then she speaks sentences that mercilessly drip sarcasm to David as he walks through the front door. “How the king of Israel honored himself today . . . ,” meaning exactly the opposite. And then she rebukes him for exposing his handsome physique to other women, as if he didn’t have enough. Obviously this stirs more than one jealous bone in Michal’s body.
Michal is furious because she doesn’t have the husband/wife relationship that she wants. She has expectations that David does not meet, nor does he appear to plan to meet them. So she: (1) finds fault with her mate’s behavior. (2) Uses deliberately punitive language, not in a real attempt to change the behavior, but in order to hurt. (3) Keeps inflaming the situation with her anger until she gets a similar response of anger from her partner.
Don’t think for a moment that I find David faultless here. But the question that a counselor might ask Michal is, “So, how’s that working for you?” If Michal were to be honest, she would have to admit that her way of dealing with this relationship wasn’t working. And this time, as she applies force to try to shift the situation back to something she considers to be normal, she uses too much force and breaks the relationship. Permanently.
I don’t think that Michal has stopped loving David. Michal has stopped trusting David. That is understandable on so many fronts. Instead of working on the trust issue, though, she mugs him on every other issue until he no longer trusts her either. Once both parties have lost trust, there is not much of a relationship left. Just anger. Anger over unmet expectations of what it ought to be like to have a loving spouse.
Does this connect with our lives anywhere? Perhaps this applies to your relationship with a spouse, but maybe it better describes a relationship with someone else. Are we angry with someone because they won’t shape their relationship with us according to our expectations? Why do we feel the need to control the relationship? Why don’t we trust them? We had better answer those questions and deal with the answers if we want to keep that relationship.
The problem of unmet expectations about relationships applies to our boys, too. Imagine how they feel when their mom or their dad just won’t be the kind of parent that they idealize. They want that relationship to be right, but when it doesn’t work, their anger begins to take over one part of their life after another. We can never be their “real” mom or dad, but we can be the kind of parental figure that is predictable, and loving, and safe. And eventually, that may allow them to let some of their anger go.
Every relationship is precious and unique, so work hard to preserve them.
Show grace, live in peace –
Ron
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
An expectation of joy ...
In the beginning …
If ever there was a time that could be called perfect, this was it. Again and again, God speaks things into existence. When the Creator sees his work, he sees that it is good, and it really is. Into this flawless world, this perfect cosmos, God inserts two perfectly healthy, hand-matched, hand-made human beings. Adam is overwhelmed. When the Namer first sees his mate, he is quick to name her and claim her; he is content that he finally has the perfect helpmeet. Together, walking, and talking, and working with God are just as natural and pleasurable as any life could possibly be.
Unfortunately, most humans experience satisfaction as a fleeting feeling, a passing moment. The experience of Adam and Eve is no different. The Adversary picks on the one who did not personally hear the instruction to avoid the tree of good and evil to find a gap to jab in his wedge of doubt. But the one who heard the instruction stands right there, without a word of protest, as doubt is cast upon the trustworthiness of God. The adversary inserts distrust into human minds: “Perhaps the Creator did not tell us the truth about the tree.” The adversary inserts a desire into human hearts – a desire for mastery and control: “Perhaps if we possess the knowledge of good and evil then we can control our garden, our world, just as God controls it now.”
And so, for the very first time, man and woman experienced something negative together; they expected something other than that which God was giving them. Neither human was flawed, because they were both perfectly made by the Creator of all creation. Yet because of their free wills, they both failed and fell. They both were separated from the tree of life, and consequently, they both started dying the day they chose unsafely. What God said would happen began to happen.
Now people have read into this scripture a dozen things that it does not say. They make it out that somehow either man or woman, or both, become something less than what they were created to be. The scripture does not say this. God describes things that would happen to them outside of the garden, and he describes things that they would do to each other, but he did not prescribe that humans would become less than human. He merely mourns the fact that from here on out, because of their freedom of choice (one of the ways they live in the image of God), and because of their separation from a daily walk with God, every human being will choose to exercise their freedom of choice to rebel against God and his will. Every human will choose to behave less than humanly. Every one, that is, except the promised one.
How about us? How much discontent, how much suffering, how much evil comes from our unrealistic expectations, from our unwillingness to choose to be content? How much grief and anger do we create for ourselves because we will not trust God to keep his promises? How much grief and anger do we cause for others because we seek to snatch control of the universe out of the hands of God because we think we can do better or work faster? Haven’t we learned the cost of our discontent yet? Paul counsels us to wisdom: “For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13 – NRSV).
Most of us have experienced plenty and want. All of us know what it is to be stuffed and to be hollow. Yet, if we are honest, we can say that God has proven to be faithful to us from one extreme to the other. If he is still with us, and he promised that he would be, can we not stop obsessing over controlling every little event in our lives, or those events of our children’s lives, and let God prove his providence? Can we not make it our expectation that God will provide just what we need, just at the right time?
In that expectation, there is joy. There is contentment. There is glory. Not in our conquering the world, but in watching our God work alongside our meager efforts so that he can fill our lives to overflowing with so many good things.
Consequently, dwell today in the words of this psalm:
Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,
in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.
He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds;
the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him;
he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are established forever and ever,
to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people;
he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is his name.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever.
Psalm 111 – NRSV
May his name be praised!
Ron
If ever there was a time that could be called perfect, this was it. Again and again, God speaks things into existence. When the Creator sees his work, he sees that it is good, and it really is. Into this flawless world, this perfect cosmos, God inserts two perfectly healthy, hand-matched, hand-made human beings. Adam is overwhelmed. When the Namer first sees his mate, he is quick to name her and claim her; he is content that he finally has the perfect helpmeet. Together, walking, and talking, and working with God are just as natural and pleasurable as any life could possibly be.
Unfortunately, most humans experience satisfaction as a fleeting feeling, a passing moment. The experience of Adam and Eve is no different. The Adversary picks on the one who did not personally hear the instruction to avoid the tree of good and evil to find a gap to jab in his wedge of doubt. But the one who heard the instruction stands right there, without a word of protest, as doubt is cast upon the trustworthiness of God. The adversary inserts distrust into human minds: “Perhaps the Creator did not tell us the truth about the tree.” The adversary inserts a desire into human hearts – a desire for mastery and control: “Perhaps if we possess the knowledge of good and evil then we can control our garden, our world, just as God controls it now.”
And so, for the very first time, man and woman experienced something negative together; they expected something other than that which God was giving them. Neither human was flawed, because they were both perfectly made by the Creator of all creation. Yet because of their free wills, they both failed and fell. They both were separated from the tree of life, and consequently, they both started dying the day they chose unsafely. What God said would happen began to happen.
Now people have read into this scripture a dozen things that it does not say. They make it out that somehow either man or woman, or both, become something less than what they were created to be. The scripture does not say this. God describes things that would happen to them outside of the garden, and he describes things that they would do to each other, but he did not prescribe that humans would become less than human. He merely mourns the fact that from here on out, because of their freedom of choice (one of the ways they live in the image of God), and because of their separation from a daily walk with God, every human being will choose to exercise their freedom of choice to rebel against God and his will. Every human will choose to behave less than humanly. Every one, that is, except the promised one.
How about us? How much discontent, how much suffering, how much evil comes from our unrealistic expectations, from our unwillingness to choose to be content? How much grief and anger do we create for ourselves because we will not trust God to keep his promises? How much grief and anger do we cause for others because we seek to snatch control of the universe out of the hands of God because we think we can do better or work faster? Haven’t we learned the cost of our discontent yet? Paul counsels us to wisdom: “For I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:11-13 – NRSV).
Most of us have experienced plenty and want. All of us know what it is to be stuffed and to be hollow. Yet, if we are honest, we can say that God has proven to be faithful to us from one extreme to the other. If he is still with us, and he promised that he would be, can we not stop obsessing over controlling every little event in our lives, or those events of our children’s lives, and let God prove his providence? Can we not make it our expectation that God will provide just what we need, just at the right time?
In that expectation, there is joy. There is contentment. There is glory. Not in our conquering the world, but in watching our God work alongside our meager efforts so that he can fill our lives to overflowing with so many good things.
Consequently, dwell today in the words of this psalm:
Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,
in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of honor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.
He has gained renown by his wonderful deeds;
the Lord is gracious and merciful.
He provides food for those who fear him;
he is ever mindful of his covenant.
He has shown his people the power of his works,
in giving them the heritage of the nations.
The works of his hands are faithful and just;
all his precepts are trustworthy.
They are established forever and ever,
to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
He sent redemption to his people;
he has commanded his covenant forever.
Holy and awesome is his name.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever.
Psalm 111 – NRSV
May his name be praised!
Ron
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Walking like Abram
There has been a new phrase among the Christian community over the past few years. “God is not my co-pilot, he is my pilot.” This is coming off of the many bumper stickers that say, "God is my co-pilot." The more you think about it, the clearer it becomes. If God is our co-pilot, then who is in control? Who is flying the plane? I feel like so often I have been fighting for the control of my life. I have been trying to grab hold with both hands and refusing to let go. Who doesn’t want to have some sort of control over their own lives? Where they will be going, what they will be doing, what they will be eating, who they will be going with? God has a plan for all of us and he lets us know a piece of that plan at a time. The call happens and off we go, or we choose to plant our feet firmly in the dirt and say, no I will not be moved. Hear this call from scripture:
The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”
“I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
So Abram left, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him, Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.
Genesis 12:1-5
Could you imagine that? One minute you think everything is going great. You have a great wife, you have servants, you have a lot of things, and then you hear the voice of God telling you to go. Go where? To a land I will show you. The planner and organized person in me is screaming at this point. Where am I going, how much food should we take? Get me a map of the area so I know what to expect. It just says he got up and left. He took his wife and their belongings, and Lot and his family and belongings.
Abram could have said no and that he was going to stay right where he was. He could have said no, I am in control of my life here and if I leave here, I will lose that control. That is where having God as your pilot comes in. That is where the faith is built. That is where the dependence on yourself gives way to the dependence on God. God tells us he has a land and a road to show us. We just need to ask where and go! If Abram would not have done this and chosen to stay, then we never would have had an Abraham. Are you ready for an adventure? Hold on tight to the Father and let him guide you through the wonderful life he has planned for you!
Blessings!
Jason
The Lord had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.”
“I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”
So Abram left, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him, Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.
Genesis 12:1-5
Could you imagine that? One minute you think everything is going great. You have a great wife, you have servants, you have a lot of things, and then you hear the voice of God telling you to go. Go where? To a land I will show you. The planner and organized person in me is screaming at this point. Where am I going, how much food should we take? Get me a map of the area so I know what to expect. It just says he got up and left. He took his wife and their belongings, and Lot and his family and belongings.
Abram could have said no and that he was going to stay right where he was. He could have said no, I am in control of my life here and if I leave here, I will lose that control. That is where having God as your pilot comes in. That is where the faith is built. That is where the dependence on yourself gives way to the dependence on God. God tells us he has a land and a road to show us. We just need to ask where and go! If Abram would not have done this and chosen to stay, then we never would have had an Abraham. Are you ready for an adventure? Hold on tight to the Father and let him guide you through the wonderful life he has planned for you!
Blessings!
Jason
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