Today’s devotional is from Shiann, and is based on an idea from The Shack:
“A child is protected because she is loved not because she has the right to be protected.”
This one was also difficult for me. We desperately want this to be false. In America, we live as if everyone is entitled to everything. As if there is a right for each of us to be free and safe and not hungry and respected and generally comfortable. We've fought over this in wars on a national level as well as gang fights on local soil.
However, was this something promised by God? I propose to you that this not a promise anywhere I have seen in the Word. If I'm wrong, please show me!
God gives no promises of safety or comfort on this earth. In turn, we cannot give that promise to others.
We can work to teach our loved ones how to make safe choices. We can provide as safe an environment as possible. That is the loving thing to do. Yet should we be surprised when our cherished one gets hurt? We can mourn and hurt for the other but to expect that "it shouldn't happen to me" is not the way God sees things. It is simply not reality. Again, it hurts and others may need to pay consequences for making hurtful choices, but we cannot assume safety.
If God were going to protect anyone, would it not have been His only Son?! Yet what happened? He says if they did this to me, the one who performed miracles, what do you think they'll do to you?
We are to rise above the world; love and respect and protect a people that doesn't love or protect or respect us. We are to show them the love of our brother, Jesus, who leads the way. He proves to us love can be returned when there is hatred, hope for despair, courage for fear.
One who stands on a right to be safe is one that repels relationship.
It is no stretch to state God's heart breaks when His children hurt. He allows us to feel the pain as well. Hang on brothers and sisters. Hold to Him as you live courageously.
Blessings,
Shiann
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Where survivors go ...
Shiann continues her devotional thoughts today:
“Rights are where survivors go so that they don’t have to work out relationships”
Here’s another one that really burned me the first time I read it. I expect it might be so for you. It is a strong temptation for me not to share my thoughts on this as I may then become accountable to the readers for living them. So let’s think about it together. First a question:
Did Jesus have the right to be mad at those who hurt Him?
Anger is a natural feeling. It is an understandable one. It is often one that is hard to resist. But, does anyone have the right to be angry? From the world’s perspective: Oh, yeah! From the view of one living wholly in the Kingdom: no.
I have said to another on more than one occasion that he/she had the right to be angry (or have any other feeling) because something happened that was awful. However, I was wrong about that. Anger is not necessarily wrong. Anger that is not wrong is not necessarily even righteous. And, it is not a right that you have. Anger, as well as other emotions, has the power to become a hiding place, a shield to keep one from dealing with the real issue.
God’s ultimate plan is for there to be healing and fullness. In that fullness is restored relationship. He does not require that we work out relationship every time we have been hurt.
Let’s look at what the Bible says about one of the most intimate of relationships. Here is a relatively lengthy reading from Matthew 19:30-8 in the Easy-to-Read version:
Some Pharisees came to Jesus. They tried to make him say something wrong. They asked him, ‘Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for any reason he chooses?’
Jesus answered, ‘Surely you have read this in the Scriptures: When God made the world, ‘he made people male and female.’ And God said, ‘That is why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And the two people will become one. God has joined them together, son no one should separate them.’
The Pharisees asked, ‘Then why did Moses give a command allowing a man to divorce his wife by writing a certificate of divorce?’
Jesus answered, ‘Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you refused to accept God’s teaching. But divorce was not allowed in the beginning.’
Divorce happens. Relationships fall apart and are sometimes willingly ripped apart. I am not stating any of this to be hurtful to people who this has affected. God’s intention from the very beginning was for restoration of relationships. A restored relationship, regardless of its format, shows the World the fullness of God’s plan. It was the reason we needed Jesus 2,000 years ago. It is the reason we need him now.
Blessings,
Shiann
“Rights are where survivors go so that they don’t have to work out relationships”
Here’s another one that really burned me the first time I read it. I expect it might be so for you. It is a strong temptation for me not to share my thoughts on this as I may then become accountable to the readers for living them. So let’s think about it together. First a question:
Did Jesus have the right to be mad at those who hurt Him?
Anger is a natural feeling. It is an understandable one. It is often one that is hard to resist. But, does anyone have the right to be angry? From the world’s perspective: Oh, yeah! From the view of one living wholly in the Kingdom: no.
I have said to another on more than one occasion that he/she had the right to be angry (or have any other feeling) because something happened that was awful. However, I was wrong about that. Anger is not necessarily wrong. Anger that is not wrong is not necessarily even righteous. And, it is not a right that you have. Anger, as well as other emotions, has the power to become a hiding place, a shield to keep one from dealing with the real issue.
God’s ultimate plan is for there to be healing and fullness. In that fullness is restored relationship. He does not require that we work out relationship every time we have been hurt.
Let’s look at what the Bible says about one of the most intimate of relationships. Here is a relatively lengthy reading from Matthew 19:30-8 in the Easy-to-Read version:
Some Pharisees came to Jesus. They tried to make him say something wrong. They asked him, ‘Is it right for a man to divorce his wife for any reason he chooses?’
Jesus answered, ‘Surely you have read this in the Scriptures: When God made the world, ‘he made people male and female.’ And God said, ‘That is why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. And the two people will become one. God has joined them together, son no one should separate them.’
The Pharisees asked, ‘Then why did Moses give a command allowing a man to divorce his wife by writing a certificate of divorce?’
Jesus answered, ‘Moses allowed you to divorce your wives because you refused to accept God’s teaching. But divorce was not allowed in the beginning.’
Divorce happens. Relationships fall apart and are sometimes willingly ripped apart. I am not stating any of this to be hurtful to people who this has affected. God’s intention from the very beginning was for restoration of relationships. A restored relationship, regardless of its format, shows the World the fullness of God’s plan. It was the reason we needed Jesus 2,000 years ago. It is the reason we need him now.
Blessings,
Shiann
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Time in the pig pen ...
Today’s devotional comes from Jason's pen:
“Why do I need to spend so much time with my pig?”
“You want to walk your pig don’t you? You want to do well in competition don’t you? The better your relationship with your pig, the better you are going to do.”
Very frustrated and very impatient, he walked into his pig pen. I sat there and watched him pet his pig, hug his pig, and even ride his pig. He kept watching me to see if I saw what he was doing and ever so slowly a smile crept onto his face. He cleaned up his pen, and the pig kept messing it up immediately after he cleaned it. After he cleaned up his pen and played a little while longer he came back to the truck and got in.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“It was okay, I guess.”
We sat there and talked about spending time with the pig, and talked about how much easier walking the pig and guiding the pig will be once that relationship is even stronger.
This reminded me of God’s love. We talked about loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength yesterday. I wanted to mention a little more about his love today. We are like the pig. Yes, I am comparing us to pigs. We live in this world and every day we become dirtier and dirtier. We wallow and make a mess of our lives. We mess up things so easily because we want things our way. The pigs make such messes of their pens. You can fill up their food and water and they dump it within minutes. Isn’t that how we are sometimes? Unlike the boy mentioned earlier though, God wants to spend so much time with us. He wants all of us, all the time, not just what we supposedly give him on Sundays. Maybe if we allowed ourselves to spend more time with him, our lives wouldn’t be more like the pig pens.
There was a man in the Bible who was known as a sinner because of his occupation. The story goes like this:
“After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. ‘Follow me,’ Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him. Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, ‘Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?’ Jesus answered them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.’” Luke 5:27-32
Levi was a pig. He lived in sin. He would take more money than he was supposed to and like other tax collectors was very hated by the community. Jesus went and spent time with him. Jesus continued to spend time with Levi and the other disciples. The more time they spent together, the closer they became. The more the disciples learned, the easier it became for them to live changed lives and to share that life with those around them. They used to be pigs, living like the world, living in the world. Levi never would have become the man he was, had he not spent time with the Savior. He would have died a tax collector, a thief, and a hated man. He would have died, nothing but a pig. He learned how to walk, by walking with the Savior.
Blessings,
Jason
“Why do I need to spend so much time with my pig?”
“You want to walk your pig don’t you? You want to do well in competition don’t you? The better your relationship with your pig, the better you are going to do.”
Very frustrated and very impatient, he walked into his pig pen. I sat there and watched him pet his pig, hug his pig, and even ride his pig. He kept watching me to see if I saw what he was doing and ever so slowly a smile crept onto his face. He cleaned up his pen, and the pig kept messing it up immediately after he cleaned it. After he cleaned up his pen and played a little while longer he came back to the truck and got in.
“How did it go?” I asked.
“It was okay, I guess.”
We sat there and talked about spending time with the pig, and talked about how much easier walking the pig and guiding the pig will be once that relationship is even stronger.
This reminded me of God’s love. We talked about loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength yesterday. I wanted to mention a little more about his love today. We are like the pig. Yes, I am comparing us to pigs. We live in this world and every day we become dirtier and dirtier. We wallow and make a mess of our lives. We mess up things so easily because we want things our way. The pigs make such messes of their pens. You can fill up their food and water and they dump it within minutes. Isn’t that how we are sometimes? Unlike the boy mentioned earlier though, God wants to spend so much time with us. He wants all of us, all the time, not just what we supposedly give him on Sundays. Maybe if we allowed ourselves to spend more time with him, our lives wouldn’t be more like the pig pens.
There was a man in the Bible who was known as a sinner because of his occupation. The story goes like this:
“After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. ‘Follow me,’ Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him. Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, ‘Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?’ Jesus answered them, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.’” Luke 5:27-32
Levi was a pig. He lived in sin. He would take more money than he was supposed to and like other tax collectors was very hated by the community. Jesus went and spent time with him. Jesus continued to spend time with Levi and the other disciples. The more time they spent together, the closer they became. The more the disciples learned, the easier it became for them to live changed lives and to share that life with those around them. They used to be pigs, living like the world, living in the world. Levi never would have become the man he was, had he not spent time with the Savior. He would have died a tax collector, a thief, and a hated man. He would have died, nothing but a pig. He learned how to walk, by walking with the Savior.
Blessings,
Jason
Thursday, January 15, 2009
What is the story?
What is the story that shapes our lives?
In the worldly community, this is the story
that shapes that community:
Wealth is the ultimate objective,
because it enables satiation, security, and status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because as long as someone else has as much or more,
you can’t have security or status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth because
disasters can happen.
Whatever the problem is, if we have enough
resources (wealth), we can fix it.
People who have more are worth more.
People who have more are more powerful, and rightly so.
People with enough talent, opportunity,
and willingness to sacrifice everything else
can move up a few socio-economic notches in a generation.
In the Jesus community, this is the story that shapes that community:
Relationship is the ultimate objective,
because it enables satisfaction, security, and meaning,
and does away with the need for status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because those who have wealth help those who have need.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because wealth is used to help others recover from disaster.
Whatever the problem is, God is the provider of resources
Who will enable us to cope with it, whether we can fix it or not.
People are worth more than things.
All people have at least some power over their own lives,
because God made it so.
Relationship with God is available to every generation,
and there is no way to move up from there.
How does that shape the story of our life today?
Blessings,
Ron
In the worldly community, this is the story
that shapes that community:
Wealth is the ultimate objective,
because it enables satiation, security, and status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because as long as someone else has as much or more,
you can’t have security or status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth because
disasters can happen.
Whatever the problem is, if we have enough
resources (wealth), we can fix it.
People who have more are worth more.
People who have more are more powerful, and rightly so.
People with enough talent, opportunity,
and willingness to sacrifice everything else
can move up a few socio-economic notches in a generation.
In the Jesus community, this is the story that shapes that community:
Relationship is the ultimate objective,
because it enables satisfaction, security, and meaning,
and does away with the need for status.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because those who have wealth help those who have need.
There is no such thing as excess wealth
because wealth is used to help others recover from disaster.
Whatever the problem is, God is the provider of resources
Who will enable us to cope with it, whether we can fix it or not.
People are worth more than things.
All people have at least some power over their own lives,
because God made it so.
Relationship with God is available to every generation,
and there is no way to move up from there.
How does that shape the story of our life today?
Blessings,
Ron
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Who do you want me to be?
Sometimes the most troubling sources of unmet expectations are relationships. You might remember, for example, the romance between Michal and David. They had issues from the first, and it always seemed difficult for either one to get the relationship to the place they wanted it to be. The scriptures say that Michal loved David (which only leaves us to wonder how David felt about Michal). Michal, at great risk to her own life, helps David escape her father, Saul. Then, because David is hiding out in the wilderness, Saul pawns Michal off on Paltiel, who genuinely loves her. Once David becomes king, he demands that Michal be returned to him. Which brings us to this difficult story:
So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. . . .
David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
2 Samuel 6:12-23 – NRSV
Michael “despised him in her heart” when David did not behave as she believed a king should behave. Paltiel worshiped her and only her; David tends to be non-committal to all of his wives, and devotes all of his worship to Yahweh, the God with whom her father had such a troubled relationship. “At least my father knew how to behave like a king,” she thinks. Then she speaks sentences that mercilessly drip sarcasm to David as he walks through the front door. “How the king of Israel honored himself today . . . ,” meaning exactly the opposite. And then she rebukes him for exposing his handsome physique to other women, as if he didn’t have enough. Obviously this stirs more than one jealous bone in Michal’s body.
Michal is furious because she doesn’t have the husband/wife relationship that she wants. She has expectations that David does not meet, nor does he appear to plan to meet them. So she: (1) finds fault with her mate’s behavior. (2) Uses deliberately punitive language, not in a real attempt to change the behavior, but in order to hurt. (3) Keeps inflaming the situation with her anger until she gets a similar response of anger from her partner.
Don’t think for a moment that I find David faultless here. But the question that a counselor might ask Michal is, “So, how’s that working for you?” If Michal were to be honest, she would have to admit that her way of dealing with this relationship wasn’t working. And this time, as she applies force to try to shift the situation back to something she considers to be normal, she uses too much force and breaks the relationship. Permanently.
I don’t think that Michal has stopped loving David. Michal has stopped trusting David. That is understandable on so many fronts. Instead of working on the trust issue, though, she mugs him on every other issue until he no longer trusts her either. Once both parties have lost trust, there is not much of a relationship left. Just anger. Anger over unmet expectations of what it ought to be like to have a loving spouse.
Does this connect with our lives anywhere? Perhaps this applies to your relationship with a spouse, but maybe it better describes a relationship with someone else. Are we angry with someone because they won’t shape their relationship with us according to our expectations? Why do we feel the need to control the relationship? Why don’t we trust them? We had better answer those questions and deal with the answers if we want to keep that relationship.
The problem of unmet expectations about relationships applies to our boys, too. Imagine how they feel when their mom or their dad just won’t be the kind of parent that they idealize. They want that relationship to be right, but when it doesn’t work, their anger begins to take over one part of their life after another. We can never be their “real” mom or dad, but we can be the kind of parental figure that is predictable, and loving, and safe. And eventually, that may allow them to let some of their anger go.
Every relationship is precious and unique, so work hard to preserve them.
Show grace, live in peace –
Ron
So David went and brought up the ark of God from the house of Obed-edom to the city of David with rejoicing; and when those who bore the ark of the Lord had gone six paces, he sacrificed an ox and a fatling. David danced before the Lord with all his might; David was girded with a linen ephod. So David and all the house of Israel brought up the ark of the Lord with shouting, and with the sound of the trumpet.
As the ark of the Lord came into the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul looked out of the window, and saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord; and she despised him in her heart.
They brought in the ark of the Lord, and set it in its place, inside the tent that David had pitched for it; and David offered burnt offerings and offerings of well-being before the Lord. . . .
David returned to bless his household. But Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David, and said, "How the king of Israel honored himself today, uncovering himself today before the eyes of his servants' maids, as any vulgar fellow might shamelessly uncover himself!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me in place of your father and all his household, to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord, that I have danced before the Lord. I will make myself yet more contemptible than this, and I will be abased in my own eyes; but by the maids of whom you have spoken, by them I shall be held in honor." And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death.
2 Samuel 6:12-23 – NRSV
Michael “despised him in her heart” when David did not behave as she believed a king should behave. Paltiel worshiped her and only her; David tends to be non-committal to all of his wives, and devotes all of his worship to Yahweh, the God with whom her father had such a troubled relationship. “At least my father knew how to behave like a king,” she thinks. Then she speaks sentences that mercilessly drip sarcasm to David as he walks through the front door. “How the king of Israel honored himself today . . . ,” meaning exactly the opposite. And then she rebukes him for exposing his handsome physique to other women, as if he didn’t have enough. Obviously this stirs more than one jealous bone in Michal’s body.
Michal is furious because she doesn’t have the husband/wife relationship that she wants. She has expectations that David does not meet, nor does he appear to plan to meet them. So she: (1) finds fault with her mate’s behavior. (2) Uses deliberately punitive language, not in a real attempt to change the behavior, but in order to hurt. (3) Keeps inflaming the situation with her anger until she gets a similar response of anger from her partner.
Don’t think for a moment that I find David faultless here. But the question that a counselor might ask Michal is, “So, how’s that working for you?” If Michal were to be honest, she would have to admit that her way of dealing with this relationship wasn’t working. And this time, as she applies force to try to shift the situation back to something she considers to be normal, she uses too much force and breaks the relationship. Permanently.
I don’t think that Michal has stopped loving David. Michal has stopped trusting David. That is understandable on so many fronts. Instead of working on the trust issue, though, she mugs him on every other issue until he no longer trusts her either. Once both parties have lost trust, there is not much of a relationship left. Just anger. Anger over unmet expectations of what it ought to be like to have a loving spouse.
Does this connect with our lives anywhere? Perhaps this applies to your relationship with a spouse, but maybe it better describes a relationship with someone else. Are we angry with someone because they won’t shape their relationship with us according to our expectations? Why do we feel the need to control the relationship? Why don’t we trust them? We had better answer those questions and deal with the answers if we want to keep that relationship.
The problem of unmet expectations about relationships applies to our boys, too. Imagine how they feel when their mom or their dad just won’t be the kind of parent that they idealize. They want that relationship to be right, but when it doesn’t work, their anger begins to take over one part of their life after another. We can never be their “real” mom or dad, but we can be the kind of parental figure that is predictable, and loving, and safe. And eventually, that may allow them to let some of their anger go.
Every relationship is precious and unique, so work hard to preserve them.
Show grace, live in peace –
Ron
Monday, October 20, 2008
Boundary: alongside instead of against
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. I was in the construction business, designing and building swimming pools. I loved the tangible, concrete nature of the business. What you did every day was so visible: so many designs complete, so many blueprints printed, so many yards of concrete poured, so many tons of rock laid, so many gallons of sparkling, clear water rippling in the warm breeze.
But plaster and stone are easier to work with than are human beings. It was as much a work of art to persuade people to trust the idea that I could create another award-winning pool at their home as it was to design the project itself. One of the greatest challenges was to complete projects in time for the first really warm days, when couples had too frequently taken up the best months for construction trying to decide if they even wanted a pool. Consequently, people in the pool business don’t get to go home very much in May.
This particular May, the weathermen in Fort Worth were telling a joke. “What do you call the day after two days of rain?” they quipped. The answer that was supposed to be funny was, “Monday.” Funny, unless you really wanted to work or play on Saturday.
What I really wanted to do this particular Saturday was dig a swimming pool – first of all because it would make my customer happy, and second, because I was paid for my part in the project when the pool was dug. Instead, the construction manager called to inform the customer and me that the rain was so hard that the dig could not happen today, and indeed, it might not dry out enough for the dig to happen for several days. I took off my work boots, and sat down at the drafting table to finish a set of plans for the next slated project.
After about an hour, I received a phone call from my customer. She was disappointed that we hadn’t dug her pool yet. Actually, she was furious. Technically, you could say that she was livid. I was empathetic. She refused to believe that anyone talking as calmly as I was talking could feel what she was feeling. I was persuasive. She was not going to be deterred. I looked out the window, saw that the sky was green, and explained that we were both better off in our nice, dry home and office than standing next to a 15 ton lightning rod, also known as a backhoe. She then proceeded to abuse me with language that made me wonder if she had ever had a career as a drill instructor.
I swallowed my real urge to sear the ears from her head with a blast of sarcasm, and instead said, as calmly as I knew how: “I am a professional who will do his best to do the best of work for you; I am a friend who will do his best to listen to you, but I am not going to let you talk to me this way anymore.” I then hung up the phone without waiting for a response.
I stopped working on my vellums and walked around the office. I was contemplating ways that I could explain this to my boss, and imagining what it might be like to look for another job.
Sure enough, five minutes later the phone rang again. It was my customer. “Ron,” she started, “did my evil twin sister just call you?” Thinking fast, I replied, “You know, I wondered who that was. Her voice sounded just like yours, but I knew from what she said that it couldn’t have been you.” She laughed and said, “She can be such a snot sometimes.” We went on to work on our real issues. We built a beautiful pool for her, and her family enjoyed it for many summers.
The word for today is boundary. A wise person once said, “All healthy relationships have good boundaries.” This is a fundamental truth.
In this relationship, I let my friend know, in a brief moment of clarity, that she had crossed one of my boundaries. Being a fundamentally wise person, she caught herself, apologized in her own inimitable way, and we were able to restore our relationship so as to finish the job that both of us wanted finished.
What boundaries do we need to watch today? Do we need to be sensitive to the sudden change in a friend’s demeanor as a signal that we have unintentionally crossed the line? Or, do we need to not be so subtle, and come straight out and tell someone when they have crossed the line that hurts our feelings or limits our effectiveness? It is important to pay close attention, and to communicate clearly, lest we be misunderstood.
When Jesus defines boundaries he does so in a fundamental way. He uses words that we have quoted so often that we lose sight of what they really mean. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31). In some ways, these words of Jesus are intuitively obvious. On the other hand, I don’t think that they are. Just because it doesn’t make me mad when a proofreader scratches out my words on a piece of paper and writes in their own, I ought not believe that I can do this to anyone else without taking into account how they feel about this apparent verbal sabotage. It might make them furious.
This is just one example. We all know something that aggravates someone we love that doesn’t bother us at all. For some children, raising your voice to them is the same as a physical assault. For some adults, raising your voice to them is the only way to really get their attention. If we really love as Jesus wants us to love, we have to watch out for those boundaries, and not make excuses for our intrusions across them. We should avoid the boundaries and ask for forgiveness when we unintentionally cross them.
May God help us to watch our boundaries in a loving way today.
Blessings,
Ron
But plaster and stone are easier to work with than are human beings. It was as much a work of art to persuade people to trust the idea that I could create another award-winning pool at their home as it was to design the project itself. One of the greatest challenges was to complete projects in time for the first really warm days, when couples had too frequently taken up the best months for construction trying to decide if they even wanted a pool. Consequently, people in the pool business don’t get to go home very much in May.
This particular May, the weathermen in Fort Worth were telling a joke. “What do you call the day after two days of rain?” they quipped. The answer that was supposed to be funny was, “Monday.” Funny, unless you really wanted to work or play on Saturday.
What I really wanted to do this particular Saturday was dig a swimming pool – first of all because it would make my customer happy, and second, because I was paid for my part in the project when the pool was dug. Instead, the construction manager called to inform the customer and me that the rain was so hard that the dig could not happen today, and indeed, it might not dry out enough for the dig to happen for several days. I took off my work boots, and sat down at the drafting table to finish a set of plans for the next slated project.
After about an hour, I received a phone call from my customer. She was disappointed that we hadn’t dug her pool yet. Actually, she was furious. Technically, you could say that she was livid. I was empathetic. She refused to believe that anyone talking as calmly as I was talking could feel what she was feeling. I was persuasive. She was not going to be deterred. I looked out the window, saw that the sky was green, and explained that we were both better off in our nice, dry home and office than standing next to a 15 ton lightning rod, also known as a backhoe. She then proceeded to abuse me with language that made me wonder if she had ever had a career as a drill instructor.
I swallowed my real urge to sear the ears from her head with a blast of sarcasm, and instead said, as calmly as I knew how: “I am a professional who will do his best to do the best of work for you; I am a friend who will do his best to listen to you, but I am not going to let you talk to me this way anymore.” I then hung up the phone without waiting for a response.
I stopped working on my vellums and walked around the office. I was contemplating ways that I could explain this to my boss, and imagining what it might be like to look for another job.
Sure enough, five minutes later the phone rang again. It was my customer. “Ron,” she started, “did my evil twin sister just call you?” Thinking fast, I replied, “You know, I wondered who that was. Her voice sounded just like yours, but I knew from what she said that it couldn’t have been you.” She laughed and said, “She can be such a snot sometimes.” We went on to work on our real issues. We built a beautiful pool for her, and her family enjoyed it for many summers.
The word for today is boundary. A wise person once said, “All healthy relationships have good boundaries.” This is a fundamental truth.
In this relationship, I let my friend know, in a brief moment of clarity, that she had crossed one of my boundaries. Being a fundamentally wise person, she caught herself, apologized in her own inimitable way, and we were able to restore our relationship so as to finish the job that both of us wanted finished.
What boundaries do we need to watch today? Do we need to be sensitive to the sudden change in a friend’s demeanor as a signal that we have unintentionally crossed the line? Or, do we need to not be so subtle, and come straight out and tell someone when they have crossed the line that hurts our feelings or limits our effectiveness? It is important to pay close attention, and to communicate clearly, lest we be misunderstood.
When Jesus defines boundaries he does so in a fundamental way. He uses words that we have quoted so often that we lose sight of what they really mean. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” (Luke 6:31). In some ways, these words of Jesus are intuitively obvious. On the other hand, I don’t think that they are. Just because it doesn’t make me mad when a proofreader scratches out my words on a piece of paper and writes in their own, I ought not believe that I can do this to anyone else without taking into account how they feel about this apparent verbal sabotage. It might make them furious.
This is just one example. We all know something that aggravates someone we love that doesn’t bother us at all. For some children, raising your voice to them is the same as a physical assault. For some adults, raising your voice to them is the only way to really get their attention. If we really love as Jesus wants us to love, we have to watch out for those boundaries, and not make excuses for our intrusions across them. We should avoid the boundaries and ask for forgiveness when we unintentionally cross them.
May God help us to watch our boundaries in a loving way today.
Blessings,
Ron
Friday, October 3, 2008
Outside in
Have you ever been called into community?
When I was fourteen years old, I was called into community, although I would not have put it that way. I was the typical, nerdy adolescent: bright, not socially adept, and not particularly athletic. I made good grades (at the time, an underachiever), was a member of Student Council, was a Life Scout, went out for the baseball team (but never got to play in a game), and lived a life removed from faith altogether. In my case, this did not make me different than the rest of my family, because none of us went to church. Hardly ever. Weddings and funerals – that was it. When it came to church, I was definitely an outsider.
Then a small but significant thing happened in my life. A friend that I had known since kindergarten asked me to go to a church event with him one evening. It was nice to be invited, so I went with Rodney. Neither one of us could drive, so his folks picked us up in their Buick LeSabre and drove us to church. It was an interesting community. I was attracted to the young people in this church, but really, the entire group seemed open and welcoming. And so I began to go to church with Rod regularly.
Every time the church doors were open, Dean and Lucille O’Dell would drive out of their way (about a mile) to come by my house and pick me up to go to church with them. Over the next several months, I was invited into relationships with members of that community: friendships, teacher/student relationships, mentor/mentored relationships, relationships with spiritual fathers, and relationships with spiritual mothers. I had never experienced anything like this before. The community was affirming and connecting. This community gave me guidance, but it did not seek control. This community sought to help me find myself, and gave me some clues about what that self might look like, but it did not seek to make me conform to some standard and preconceived mold.
I wanted to be a part of this community.
Fortunately for me, the Eastside Church of Christ in Duncan, Oklahoma extended regular invitations to outsiders to become insiders. But really, they had brought me into the community, and shared with the me many of the benefits of the community long before I agreed to become a member of it. They welcomed me into their fellowship, and did whatever it took to allow me to participate in it. They picked me up and drove me to church until I was old enough to drive myself. They helped my brother and sister make the same regular trips. They understood community.
Have you ever been called into community?
When you were born, you were called into the community of family.
When you became a Christian, you were called into the community of faith.
When you came to minister at Westview, you were called into a community of hospitality and healing.
We have all been called into community.
Now it is in our hands to help shape those communities. How will they look? Will our communities appear to be open and inviting, or closed and impenetrable? Will our communities seek to serve as the grace of God, or as his judgment? Will we gently mold each other, or use the tools of manipulation? All of these decisions, and hundreds of others, shape the character of our community. That community may be our church, our ministry, or our family.
What do our communities look like? Do people see open arms or cold shoulders? Do people hear inviting words or impossible demands? Is it more likely that the people smell the aroma of Christ or the stink of unresolved disagreements? Can people taste the fruits of the Spirit amongst us, or can they not even get to the table? Do people feel the embrace of fellowship, or the cold distance between us? It is good to see ourselves as we are, but complaining about it never fixed anything. Only persistent, loving action can do that.
Have you ever been called into community?
On behalf of Jesus Christ, I am recalling you into your communities today. See them afresh. Help them be renewed. Restore to them the vibrancy intended by their Lord and Master.
Many will be blessed if we do these things. Who knows how many lives may be touched by influencing just one person. One outsider.
Grace and peace,
Ron
When I was fourteen years old, I was called into community, although I would not have put it that way. I was the typical, nerdy adolescent: bright, not socially adept, and not particularly athletic. I made good grades (at the time, an underachiever), was a member of Student Council, was a Life Scout, went out for the baseball team (but never got to play in a game), and lived a life removed from faith altogether. In my case, this did not make me different than the rest of my family, because none of us went to church. Hardly ever. Weddings and funerals – that was it. When it came to church, I was definitely an outsider.
Then a small but significant thing happened in my life. A friend that I had known since kindergarten asked me to go to a church event with him one evening. It was nice to be invited, so I went with Rodney. Neither one of us could drive, so his folks picked us up in their Buick LeSabre and drove us to church. It was an interesting community. I was attracted to the young people in this church, but really, the entire group seemed open and welcoming. And so I began to go to church with Rod regularly.
Every time the church doors were open, Dean and Lucille O’Dell would drive out of their way (about a mile) to come by my house and pick me up to go to church with them. Over the next several months, I was invited into relationships with members of that community: friendships, teacher/student relationships, mentor/mentored relationships, relationships with spiritual fathers, and relationships with spiritual mothers. I had never experienced anything like this before. The community was affirming and connecting. This community gave me guidance, but it did not seek control. This community sought to help me find myself, and gave me some clues about what that self might look like, but it did not seek to make me conform to some standard and preconceived mold.
I wanted to be a part of this community.
Fortunately for me, the Eastside Church of Christ in Duncan, Oklahoma extended regular invitations to outsiders to become insiders. But really, they had brought me into the community, and shared with the me many of the benefits of the community long before I agreed to become a member of it. They welcomed me into their fellowship, and did whatever it took to allow me to participate in it. They picked me up and drove me to church until I was old enough to drive myself. They helped my brother and sister make the same regular trips. They understood community.
Have you ever been called into community?
When you were born, you were called into the community of family.
When you became a Christian, you were called into the community of faith.
When you came to minister at Westview, you were called into a community of hospitality and healing.
We have all been called into community.
Now it is in our hands to help shape those communities. How will they look? Will our communities appear to be open and inviting, or closed and impenetrable? Will our communities seek to serve as the grace of God, or as his judgment? Will we gently mold each other, or use the tools of manipulation? All of these decisions, and hundreds of others, shape the character of our community. That community may be our church, our ministry, or our family.
What do our communities look like? Do people see open arms or cold shoulders? Do people hear inviting words or impossible demands? Is it more likely that the people smell the aroma of Christ or the stink of unresolved disagreements? Can people taste the fruits of the Spirit amongst us, or can they not even get to the table? Do people feel the embrace of fellowship, or the cold distance between us? It is good to see ourselves as we are, but complaining about it never fixed anything. Only persistent, loving action can do that.
Have you ever been called into community?
On behalf of Jesus Christ, I am recalling you into your communities today. See them afresh. Help them be renewed. Restore to them the vibrancy intended by their Lord and Master.
Many will be blessed if we do these things. Who knows how many lives may be touched by influencing just one person. One outsider.
Grace and peace,
Ron
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Kate teaches us a lesson
On Tuesday night, much of Ann and Ron’s family was gathered at Ben and Tara’s home. Ben was attending to things in one end of the house, and Ron was following ten month old Kate as she walked (on her own wheels) from Tara in the kitchen toward the den, where Ann and Bailey were together on the sofa. Bailey was relaxing with her head in her mom’s lap, as Ann stroked her hair. When Kate saw this, it was if you could see her make the connections in her mind. Now Kate and Bailey are close, because Bailey has been her baby-sitter. Still, Kate started fussing and poking at Bailey as if to say, “This is my granna; what are you doing here?” Ann thought it was funny, so kept stroking Bailey’s head and saying, “My baby.” Which is a truth, but not a welcome fact to a baby who thinks that she is the entire family’s baby. Kate kept indicating her displeasure in Kate language (it sounds something like very forceful Chinese) and patting Ann and Bailey until finally, she became distracted with Bailey’s big, beautiful eyes and started to play with her eyelashes. We all laughed and moved on to the rest of our evening.
Later on, the scene was replayed with Ann and Bailey in a recliner. This time when Kate saw them together, she insisted that Ann bring her up into the recliner, too. When Ann would scratch Bailey’s back and say, “My Baby,” Kate would watch intently. Then Kate would wrap her little arm around Ann’s neck, bury her face in Ann’s shoulder, and nuzzle. The actors repeated this scene several times, and as with any comedy, it was funnier every time they did it. Talk was not enough. Kate was going to demonstrate who was whose baby. We taught Kate something. And Kate taught us that you can change your community with love, instead of noise or nonsense.
This is all about community, isn’t it? People, all connected in some way (in this case by familial relationships) gathered in one place, sharing time, relationship, and resources. Those relationships have definition and boundaries. The newest member of the community, Kate, has yet to understand those relationships and boundaries. She is a baby, after all. She is innocent. That doesn’t mean that everything she does is good, but she is too young to understand and be accountable for her actions. At ten months, how could she understand? So the community tolerates, even finds amusing, behavior which would not be acceptable from an older person. There were no negative consequences for Kate because she displayed some possessive feelings and actions. Instead her little community used one of its teaching tools (humor), maintained existing relationships, and worked to demonstrate that it has enough love for all of its members, whether they are present in the room or not.
You might think that this is intuitively obvious, but follow me on. As a little one grows older and grows in their ability to understand right and wrong, what does the community do with behavior that is out of bounds? Do we begin to withdraw our protective hand so that the natural consequences of the action negatively reinforce the lesson without our intervention? This might be possible and appropriate. Yet there still will remain certain actions that are more difficult to connect to consequence. Sometimes this is because we natively seek to protect children from consequences (of course we will grab the child right before they step off the edge of the deck). Sometimes this is because the effects of an action are more gradual and subtle.
What seems to be important to me is that, within community, we place limits on the kinds of consequences related to maintaining the community itself. In normal situations, consequences would focus on a limitation of resources, not of relationship. We wouldn’t say it like this, but it would be something like, “I need take away this toy for a while so that you understand you can’t do this, but I still love you.” Resources are removed; relationships are not terminated. Even if the behavior is so corrosive to community that a person has to be removed from the community for a while (a young person being violent to someone in the family, for example), it is important for the child to understand that the intent is to change the behavior and not terminate the relationship.
How does this relate to the children in our care? Think through that. Perhaps their community never taught them how to live in community. Perhaps they have experienced trauma that has warped their view of community. How do we help them understand right relationships? How do we help them to understand and respect appropriate boundaries? How do we help them understand what it means to be a part of a community unless we make them full-fledged members of a loving, flexible, and resilient community?
Hear the words of Jesus:
People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, "Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God [isn’t this the community of which we wish to be a part?] belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it." And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.
Mark 10:13-16 – NRSV
What do we do with this truth? Hear the words of Paul:
Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:8-9 – NRSV
Grace and peace,
Ron
Later on, the scene was replayed with Ann and Bailey in a recliner. This time when Kate saw them together, she insisted that Ann bring her up into the recliner, too. When Ann would scratch Bailey’s back and say, “My Baby,” Kate would watch intently. Then Kate would wrap her little arm around Ann’s neck, bury her face in Ann’s shoulder, and nuzzle. The actors repeated this scene several times, and as with any comedy, it was funnier every time they did it. Talk was not enough. Kate was going to demonstrate who was whose baby. We taught Kate something. And Kate taught us that you can change your community with love, instead of noise or nonsense.
This is all about community, isn’t it? People, all connected in some way (in this case by familial relationships) gathered in one place, sharing time, relationship, and resources. Those relationships have definition and boundaries. The newest member of the community, Kate, has yet to understand those relationships and boundaries. She is a baby, after all. She is innocent. That doesn’t mean that everything she does is good, but she is too young to understand and be accountable for her actions. At ten months, how could she understand? So the community tolerates, even finds amusing, behavior which would not be acceptable from an older person. There were no negative consequences for Kate because she displayed some possessive feelings and actions. Instead her little community used one of its teaching tools (humor), maintained existing relationships, and worked to demonstrate that it has enough love for all of its members, whether they are present in the room or not.
You might think that this is intuitively obvious, but follow me on. As a little one grows older and grows in their ability to understand right and wrong, what does the community do with behavior that is out of bounds? Do we begin to withdraw our protective hand so that the natural consequences of the action negatively reinforce the lesson without our intervention? This might be possible and appropriate. Yet there still will remain certain actions that are more difficult to connect to consequence. Sometimes this is because we natively seek to protect children from consequences (of course we will grab the child right before they step off the edge of the deck). Sometimes this is because the effects of an action are more gradual and subtle.
What seems to be important to me is that, within community, we place limits on the kinds of consequences related to maintaining the community itself. In normal situations, consequences would focus on a limitation of resources, not of relationship. We wouldn’t say it like this, but it would be something like, “I need take away this toy for a while so that you understand you can’t do this, but I still love you.” Resources are removed; relationships are not terminated. Even if the behavior is so corrosive to community that a person has to be removed from the community for a while (a young person being violent to someone in the family, for example), it is important for the child to understand that the intent is to change the behavior and not terminate the relationship.
How does this relate to the children in our care? Think through that. Perhaps their community never taught them how to live in community. Perhaps they have experienced trauma that has warped their view of community. How do we help them understand right relationships? How do we help them to understand and respect appropriate boundaries? How do we help them understand what it means to be a part of a community unless we make them full-fledged members of a loving, flexible, and resilient community?
Hear the words of Jesus:
People were bringing little children to him in order that he might touch them; and the disciples spoke sternly to them. But when Jesus saw this, he was indignant and said to them, "Let the little children come to me; do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God [isn’t this the community of which we wish to be a part?] belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it." And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them.
Mark 10:13-16 – NRSV
What do we do with this truth? Hear the words of Paul:
Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:8-9 – NRSV
Grace and peace,
Ron
Monday, August 18, 2008
Micah and relationships
This week, the Birneys have agreed to write our devotionals for us:
Micah 6:6-7
“With what shall I come to the LORD and bow myself before the God on high? Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings, with yearling calves? Does the LORD take delight in thousands of rams, in ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my first-born for my rebellious acts, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
We all want to please God, have Him be proud of us and we wonder what the best way to accomplish the task is. It seems to me that is what is going on here in this passage from the book of Micah. What church function is the best one to participate in? How much will it cost to have God on my side? Even though I may not say it out loud I sometimes live my life trying to earn God’s favor by all the “church” that I do. In every case I think that we make things more complicated than they really are.
Micah 6:8
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you, but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
May God bless you,
Joshua Birney
Westview House Parent
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